Official Jokes Thread

[surfswell]

I have the best joke ever so i figured why not start this thread.....
So a man walked into a bar with a carrot in his ear and the bartender thought ' Why does he have a carrot in his ear?'. The following day the guy walked into the bar with a carrot in his ear and the bartender was gona ask him why but he didnt get the chance to. So the day after that the guy walked into the bar with the carrot in his ear and the bartender asked him' Why do you have a carrot in your ear?' And the guy replied....' I can't her you because i got a carrot in my ear'.

[StuckinVA]

Stimulus package

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/rids/20090709/i/r3356552547.jpg?x=400&y=340&q=85&sig=_dbUibuGcHSmlg8QoaQV7A--

[mexsurfer]

The First one didnt really make sense, but the one with obama was FUNNY.

[EwrWrop]

I have the best joke ever so i figured why not start this thread.....
So a man walked into a bar with a carrot in his ear and the bartender thought ' Why does he have a carrot in his ear?'. The following day the guy walked into the bar with a carrot in his ear and the bartender was gona ask him why but he didnt get the chance to. So the day after that the guy walked into the bar with the carrot in his ear and the bartender asked him' Why do you have a carrot in your ear?' And the guy replied....' I can't her you because i got a carrot in my ear'.

That is the worst joke I have heard in my life.

[terra-firma intolerant]

So a blonde goes into a beauty parlor to get her hair done. She is wearing a set of headphones and while her hair is being done, her barber kept asking what she was listening to. She wouldn't tell the barber. Eventually, the blonde fell asleep, and the barber was curious so she removed the headphones, and listened to it. This is what she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...). When she looked back at the blonde, she was dead.

[wbsurfer]

Stimulus package

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/rids/20090709/i/r3356552547.jpg?x=400&y=340&q=85&sig=_dbUibuGcHSmlg8QoaQV7A--

very nice.

[Bad Bug Surfing]

A guy walks into a Liquor Store and says "I want a case or beer, but anything other than Budweiser". The Liquor store attendant says "we have many cases of beer other than Budweiser, but if you don't mind me asking, whats you problem with Budweiser?" The man replies "well last night I drank a whole case of Bud and was up all night blowing Chunks". The Liquor store attendant says " well that's understandable, most people would be blowing Chunks if they drank a whole case of Beer" The guy replies "No No No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog":eek:

[wbsurfer]

A guy walks into a Liquor Store and says "I want a case or beer, but anything other than Budweiser". The Liquor store attendant says "we have many cases of beer other than Budweiser, but if you don't mind me asking, whats you problem with Budweiser?" The man replies "the Liquor store attendant says " well that's understandable, most people would be blowing Chunks if they drank a whole case of Beer" The guy replies "No No No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog":eek:

that just made my day.

[GnarActually]

so a panda walks into a bar and asks for a rum.........and coke. and the bartender asks...whats with the pause? and the panda said "what these, i had these all my life." hahahahaha

[tsurfn]

how come the pirate wasn't allowed to see the movie.........cause it was rated AAAAARRRRRRRR!!!! LOL

[IsurfwhenIcan]

so a panda walks into a bar and asks for a rum.........and coke. and the bartender asks...whats with the pause? and the panda said "what these, i had these all my life." hahahahaha

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH thats funny hahaha. its real stupid but funny


so a guy is playin golf with his wife. off the first tee he shanks one to the right. as he approaches his ball, he realizes that there is a large tree in his line to the green. his wife tells him to punch out back onto the fairway. the man looks at her and says "no no, i'm going to hit it through a small opening in the tree". the man takes his swing and the ball ricochets off the tree and hits his wife, striking her dead. a month later the man is playing the same golf course with a friend and shanks it to the right off the first tee. the man lines up to punch out onto the fairway and his friend says "why not aim for that opening in the tree?". the man looks at him and says "no, last time i tried that something terrible happened". his friend asks what happened and the man says "i got a double bogey"

[wbsurfer]

are racist jokes gonna be allowed on here?

[IsurfwhenIcan]

the only jokes i know are race related jokes....i know a ton of them but i figured i would get called out for being a racist if i put them up....but im not a racist

[wbsurfer]

im not a racit eithe rbut mot of the good joke i know are racist ones.

[Bad Bug Surfing]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall........ Dam

[Swellinfo]

are racist jokes gonna be allowed on here?

no.........

[Don Ride]

A new club member/golfer meets up with an older long term golfer/member. During the day a funeral procession goes by and the older golfer removes his hat and bowed his head. The new guy says, wow that a nice show of respect. The older golfer replays “yes, we were married for 45 years”. :D

[myxamatosis]

A penguin is driving cross country and he starts to have trouble with his car. So he stops at a garage to have it looked at. He drops it off and goes outside the garage and sees an ice cream shop across the street and since penguins love ice cream he ran over. After gobbling down his treat he goes back to the shop and asks the mechanic if he has found his problem. The mechanic looks up from the car at the penguin and says yes I did, you blew a seal. The peguin looks puzzled and then says OOhhh no that is just a little ice cream.

[Bad Bug Surfing]

On a real hot day a blonde walks up to a vending machine to get a soda. She deposits her 50 Cents and out comes her can of soda. The blonde jumps and screams with excitement and proceeds to deposit another 50 cents and when another can pops out she Gets all excited again. She continues doing this for about 20 minutes while a line is forming behind her. The gentleman next in line asks "Could you please let somebody else use the machine..." the Blonde replies "NO WAY, Not while I'm still winning"

[Spongegnar]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[wbsurfer]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


that really and trully just mad my day. especially after mr.swellinfo deleted all or the racist jokes.

[dirtythirty34]

blonde jokes are racist, just saying.

[Driftingalong]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
And that's how the fight
started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight
started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight
started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight
started......
************************************************** *******************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first!!
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight
started.....
************************************************** **********************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight
started...

================================================== ==================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend... I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight
started...

================================================== =========

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight
started...

================================================== ==========================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[surferboi0911]

blonde jokes are racist, just saying.

"blonde" isn't a race, so the jokes aren't racist.

[ughVeeBee]

How does a blonde remove hair from her lip?

When she finishes swallowing she slides the pole out of her mouth.

[StuckinVA]

A guy gets home from happy hour and hands his wife some money. She says, "what is this for?" The guy says "a guy threw up on my shirt and gave me $20 for the dry cleaning bill" His wife replies, "but there is $40 here." The guy says "...yeah, cause he $h!t in my britches too...":p

[StuckinVA]

How do you make a baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.

[surfswell]

how do you make a baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.

haahahahahahahahbutahahahadeadahahahababyahahahaha fetusaahahahahwouldahahahahahtasteahahhahahabetter ahahaha

[wbsurfer]

all of my jokes are racist. but go to fmylife.com some of those are funny.

[Driftingalong]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

[wbsurfer]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

hahahahahahahahaha

[Don Ride]

Why do blondes like lightning? Because they think they are getting their picture taken. :D

[Driftingalong]

Subject: The importance of checking your child's homework


SEE MOM’S REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah?s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

[Ricky Data]

HAHAHA. That can't be real, but still super hilarious.

[wbsurfer]

hahaha roflol.^^

[surfswell]

whats roflol mean?
Anyone here about the new mcdonalds sandwich the mcjackson? its 50 year old meat inbetween ten year old buns.

the fisrt parts not a joke, whats that mean? and what color was george washingtons white horse? was mickey mouse a cat or a dog?

[Aguaholic]

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi?

Cause.... if it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush. :D

[Beach Blonde 25-6-4]

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

Wanna Ride a Bike?

[VAsurfer604]

A blonde walks into a convienience store and sees a TV on the counter. She walks up to the cashier and says "I would like to buy that TV." He replies "Sorry I we don't sell to blondes." The next day she comes back to the store after dying her hair brown and says "Hello, I would like to buy that TV." The cashier replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She says "How did you know I was blond??" He replies "Because thats a microwave."