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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    wb and you can find me at crystal and sweetwater and all over wb.
    Posts
    1,538
    Quote Originally Posted by Spongegnar View Post
    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

    that really and trully just mad my day. especially after mr.swellinfo deleted all or the racist jokes.

  2. #22
    blonde jokes are racist, just saying.

  3. #23

    How the fight started...

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
    gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
    year!"
    And that's how the fight
    started.....
    ************************************************** **********************
    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight
    started....
    ************************************************** **********************
    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that's when the fight
    started....
    ************************************************** **********************
    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight
    started......
    ************************************************** *******************
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first!!
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's when the fight
    started.....
    ************************************************** **********************
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight
    started...

    ================================================== ==================

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend... I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight
    started...

    ================================================== =========

    I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
    And then the fight
    started...

    ================================================== ==========================

    THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
    the truck, the car, playing golf '
    Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..'

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    PG
    Posts
    262
    Images
    14
    Quote Originally Posted by dirtythirty34 View Post
    blonde jokes are racist, just saying.
    "blonde" isn't a race, so the jokes aren't racist.

  5. #25
    How does a blonde remove hair from her lip?

    When she finishes swallowing she slides the pole out of her mouth.

  6. #26
    A guy gets home from happy hour and hands his wife some money. She says, "what is this for?" The guy says "a guy threw up on my shirt and gave me $20 for the dry cleaning bill" His wife replies, "but there is $40 here." The guy says "...yeah, cause he $h!t in my britches too..."

  7. #27
    How do you make a baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by stuckinva View Post
    how do you make a baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.
    haahahahahahahahbutahahahadeadahahahababyahahahaha fetusaahahahahwouldahahahahahtasteahahhahahabetter ahahaha

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    wb and you can find me at crystal and sweetwater and all over wb.
    Posts
    1,538
    all of my jokes are racist. but go to fmylife.com some of those are funny.

  10. #30
    You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
    The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
    a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
    As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
    that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.