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  1. #21
    I liked how u used preper inglish. refrishing to c somewon using spell chek and proper grammer on the msg board. i dont think most peeple even reid over what they just tiped befour they post it.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by JerseySurfRat89 View Post
    just a high school freshman, and this was just a straight rough draft, seeing what everyone thought
    that's light years ahead of a lot of the stuff i get from my freshmen. & as a rough draft, you're definitely off to a good start. just seriously consider the changes that i & a couple others have suggested. i think that you'll find that those will help focus your essay better & make your message clearer.

  3. #23
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    Carefully consider your audience

    One major thing you should do to give your essay more focus is to consider who your audience is. Determining that from the outset will help you organize your ideas into a more methodical and progressive fashion. Once you establish that, set out a plan of three to four paragraphs that help sub-divide your topic, and then treat each of those supportive topics within its own paragraph.

    Always opt for specific details and examples over sweeping generalizations such as <<"The community that you find in the ocean at sunrise on a freezing February morning is something that a plethora of people would have nightmares about, but a small minority would dream about.>> Yes, I know you even said, <<"Surfing in the winter is an unexplainable experience that will change someone forever.">> but your job here is to do exactly that- explain it. Try your best to get your readers to re-live all the sensations of seeing, paddling for, and ultimately catching a quality wave. Maybe even down to the rain of salt-spray that pelts your cheeks from the hard offshore winds. It's bracing, not chilling in the least. It's almost like describing it all in slow motion as it actually happens.

    The best thing you've done is to be willing to have others give you feedback, because that's the best way of all to improve what you want to say, and how you say it. And don't forget, the more you write, the better a writer you will be.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by surfde View Post
    yea i try to keep surfing and school seperate...when school is combined it ruins my love for things
    Same. I've had way too many bad grades due to surfing. My biggest problem is studying for tests because im usually surfing or doing something that involves surfing. Nothing is worse than sitting in 1st period and you know everyone else is out surfing good waves.
    Seriously. nothing is worse than that feeling

    I'd change up the intro, and try to ease into the topic so a non surfer can relate easier

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by njsurfer42 View Post
    that's light years ahead of a lot of the stuff i get from my freshmen. & as a rough draft, you're definitely off to a good start. just seriously consider the changes that i & a couple others have suggested. i think that you'll find that those will help focus your essay better & make your message clearer.
    mind me asking what school?

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    pm sent.
    not really one to post my place of employment all over the interwebs.