The Seldom Seen Christmas Special

Wednesday Morning, Christmas Day, and our hero, Seldom Seen, just got done opening presents from Wayne and Santa Claus. Seldom is very excited, not just because of Christmas, but because two dudes he met on Swellinfo.com are going to meet-up with him to surf a undisclosed Rhode Island shreddin' spot. Seldom's heart sings with joy - besieged with love from his family, good will towards man, and the wonderous promise of new friendship.

Seldom makes one last check on Swellinfo.com to see if his pals are still coming. THEY ARE !!
So Seldom loads his gear in his car, packs his favorite bowl - Rex the Tex Mex Hex - and proceeds through Bridgeport dodging chicken heads and other undesirables. He sees a man on a skateboard begging change at a red light, and gives him 60 cents. The man thanks him, and begins to tell him aboot the evils of corporate America. Seldom suspects that man may be Trevolution........

Out past the city limits of congested southern CT, Seldom puffs his pipe, and starts to relax. The ride through the beautiful CT and RI countryside reminds Seldom of his favorite movie - Me, Myself and Irene. Seldom wishes Renee Zellweger was with him, and dreams of having three large black children of superior intelligence. He wouldn't even mind the multiple personality disorder thing, as Seldom considers, Hank, a righteous dude.

Seldom later comes across a van, broken-down on the shoulder, most likely headed towards North Attelboro, and starts to think aboot Yankee and Leethestud. He overhears one of the van's passengers yell at the driver, while stopped at yet another traffic light. Seldom couldn't discern exactly what was said; but apparently the van contained a rock n' roll band and the passenger was upset that the driver refused to start consuming heroin in order to make them musically viable. The passenger called the driver, Big Baby Grand.

Seldom finally pulls up to the shreddin' spot, and sees a lone car idling with Massachusetts plates. "It's them," Seldom Seen thinks, and excitedly exits his vehicle. The joy in his heart was great, and the thrill increased as an occupant of the car, with the Massachusetts plates, stepped forth from the vehicle.

Seldom's tail wagged furiously and he screamed, "Are you Jeff.........and where's Adam?"

The lone stranger happily replied, "Yes, I am Jeff, and Adam is right there." Seldom, was taken aback for a moment, as Jeff pointed to nothing but air and space. His surprise was aboot to be taken to another, much confusing level.......one poor Seldom could never had imagined.

Jeff, then did a ventriloquist's voice and said, " HI, SELDOM SEEN, I'm Adam, I'm from Santa Cruz. Oh man, you sponging dork.......You east coasters have waves that suck. The waves are big and tall in Santa Cruz. Ahhh yes, Santa Cruz where the ocean is rough and the women are hairy."

Jeff then stood there smiling at Seldom Seen. Then Jeff said, " Looks like some good breakers out there," referring to the 2-3' leftovers graciously languishing for a Christmas Day shred fest.

Seldom's tail had stopped wagging, and his mouth was agape. Seldom Seen was in shock. What had he gotten himself into?

Jeff, again did his ventriloquist's voice and said, "Why heck, back in Santa Cruz me and the boys would consider this flat, and we'd spend the day in the parking lot hassling old hippy guys and lone University of California-Santa Cruz students. Yeah, we could have hassled a group of UCSC students, but we just never wanted to."

To Be Continued........

 

( Be patient WalkingonH20.....you're just aboot to make a cameo)

So, Seldom Seen is just aboot to retreat to the safety of his car and Rex(The Tex Mex Hex) when all of a sudden Jeff, "Adam," and Seldom are joined by another gentleman. The gentleman wears a scowl on his face as he surveys the scene. He seems to have appeared from nowhere......

This new arrival was Chucky KeeDoo who lived in Maine, amongst the moose and caribou. Chucky was not happy this Christmas morning. Due to family obligations, Chucky was forced to spend the holiday at his grandmother's house in Coventry, RI. Chucky hates Southern New England. Chucky considers anyone living south of Keene, NH to be a gay and an illegal drug addict. Probably an illegal alien, also.

Chucky was lucky that he brought his surfing board and wetsuit to grandma's house. Though his mother forbade him to go surfing this fine Christmas morning - and even went so far as to post latex guard dolls to prevent his escape - Chucky was a clever and resilient man who was able to bench press impressive amounts of weight.

Chucky had no problem overpowering the latex guard dolls - after stealing the keys to his grandmother's car - and soon he was off, headed to coastal Rhode Island....after picking-up a 12-pack of Miller Lite at the nearest Country Farms convenience store, naturally, of course.......

Chucky, ironically called, " Chuckles" by his friends and family, was just aboot to tell the gang how much he hated them and Southern New England, when all of a sudden an IROC Z blasted into the parking lot. Instantly, the immediately area was bombarded by the booming sounds of club music, as a squat, muscled youth stepped forth from the vehicle. He was orange in complexion, and he dripped grease from his hair onto the pristine Rhode Island asphalt. The Iroc Z was yellow with pink trim and the vehicle's rims were totally b!tchen.

"HEY YO, KIDS !!! What's up !!??" Then the beat of the music took over, and the stocky, little orange man started to catch the vibe and started to dance.

Seldom Seen was beginning to wonder if he was caught in the middle of some reality TV show or if the old Twilight Zone show was actually becoming a reality.......

The orange man approaches the group, after simulating sex acts in accordance to the beat of the music, and tells the gang, unsolicited, that people call him HEY ZUES, because when he surfs, it's like he walks on water.

Hey Zues, surveys the scene and scoffs at the waves. " Hey yo, it's rideable and all, but man, misters, if we were back in Belmar, NJ right now, youse guys would see some real good waves. And I mean good waves, misters."

To Be Continued.........

 

Seldom had heard of Belmar, and remembers seeing quite a few photos of the place in magazines and on the internets. He always dreamed of going there one day, as Belmar was a magical place, full of quality waves and more importantly home of the greatest d!ck-dragger on the east coast - Bruce Drawbridge.

Suddenly, visions of Seldom's third favorite movie, Road Trip, filled his mind. Seldom Seen favored this movie because, not only did it feature Seldom's tenth favorite actor, Breckin Meyer, it also showcased the talents of Seldom's second favorite Canadian, Tom Green. Rob Ford, being Seldom's favorite Canadian, of course.

By pure instinct Seldom, shouts forth, " Let's go to Belmar!!" Hey Zues, turns and looks at Seldom, inspired and impressed by his spontaneity.

Chuckles, of course, is apprehensive considering Belmar's southern distance from Keene, NH, but he gives the plan great consideration due to the fact that his mom and grandma had probably called the po-lice on him aboot an hour ago. Rhode Island is small. A criminal man can be found within three hours if the suspect remains in state.

Jeff, seems game, and has all of the time in the world. Jeff then turns and axs Adam if he wants to go. Jeff, again using his ventriloquist's voice, anwsers for Adam saying, " Oh yeah, sure. I like New Jersey. It's so much better than Wesport, Washington."

Hey Zues, becomes completely baffled and confused, thinking that this Jeff kid is making fun of him. Hey Zues turns to stare at Jeff and says, " Hey yo, kid, there something wrong with youse?"

Seldom quickly pulls Hey Zues aside and informs him that this Jeff dude might be a touch nuts. Or maybe just like Charlie/Hank in Seldom's favorite movie - Me, Myself and Irene.

Hey Zues, born a bit dim and subjected to hours of artificial tanning lights and many toxic healthcare/beauty supply chemicals, is not the brightest bulb of the bunch. His steroid infused short-temper is starting to cause the veins to bulge from his neck and his testicles as Jeff rambles, a few feet away aboot Mixed Martial Arts fighting and wahines.....

To Be Continued

 

Meanwhile down south, way down south, where the streets are littered, an angry young man was tired of getting of getting his kicks with the freaks and the #$&&ers.

They called him Blaster of ye Sand - Blaster for short - and Blaster was growing tired of his life in the south. There were never any waves (maybe three time a month), and Blaster was just tired of it all. He was tired of the barefootedness; the toothlessness; the illiteracy; the snakes and varmits; bluegrass music; the phony politicians the area produced............he was tired of it all.

Blaster, being from the south, naturally lived in a ratty, old trailer in the middle of a crumbling trailer park. Sunyvale Trailer Park was its official name, and it once was inhabited by elderly banjo players who would pass their days smoking Virginia Slims, drinking Busch Beer, and urinating in the adjacent woods, as most of their toilet facilities ceased to function. It was the trailer park's finest moment. Sunyvale once received honor as being the third best trailer park in South Carolina voted by the readers of Coon Huntin' and Moonshining Magazine........the most popular periodical in the state.

Blaster spent much time on his rigged-up internet computin' machine. He dreamed of civilized places like Los Angeles and New Jersey, and he listened to Jane's Addcition constantly. He was known around the trailer park for belting-out his catch phrase, " Nothing's Shocking." Over and over, all day long. He would kiss every person he encountered just for the shock value, and to pay homage to the band that did it all.

Blaster was unemployed and collected welfare even though he constantly complained aboot African Americans in the big cities doing the same. Blaster never used the term, "African American," however, which was constantly the subject of sour grapes with his immediate neighbor, Shaquandashika X, who said she was the direct descendant of one Malcom X. Shaquandashika smoked a lot of crack, and drank malt liquor so no one tended to believe her, except when they wanted a blast. Then they believed everything she said.

Blaster, being from the south, naturally started to pimp out his sisters......his nieces ............his mother.......his aunt in order to save enough money to head-up north. Lately, Blaster, had been hearing much aboot a magical place located way up I-95 where the waves were classic, and the money flowed like the River Jordan. They called this place, Belmar, and it was as good as it sounded. Just the name rolling of one's lips made sense. B-E-L-M-A-R............

Blaster was going to get himself there, hell or high water........

To Be Continued.......

 

Ho Brah, no problem, eh.

We come out da next year with da kiddie version. If you no like dat we gon poun you good.

Besides rural CT is a lonely place, especially now. Read, man, expand your teen-aged, text messaging attention span....How you going to read Proust later in life?

(interesting side note: as I was writing that pidgeon, I had to keep correcting myself as I was intermixing an Italian guy with a choke moke......Italian pidgeon....kind of interesting.......