What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says " I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have some H2O too." The second one dies.
I have this friend, a lot of people think he might kill himself because he's unstable. But, uhhh, i think it's because he's only got one leg
There was a penguin on a cross America driving tour -- it was slow in the Antarctic, and he was on his annual vacation. When he was in Arizona, the penguin saw his oil light come on and decided that he'd best get it looked at. He stopped at a garage and they told him to come back in a half an hour so they could look at it. The penguin then walked up the street, and he spotted an ice cream store. To a penguin in the desert, nothing sounded better than ice cream. SO he went in an order a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, the penguin didn't have hands, he only had flippers, so he really made a mess of things, but then he saw it was time to go back to the garage. The penguin waddled back up the street to the garage and the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin replied, "it's only ice cream."
