The Lighter Side

Taxes

Taxes
When you do your taxes this year, make sure you do them right so you won’t get audited like the guy below……

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The IRS has returned the tax return to a man in New York City after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, ... "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" the man wrote: ... "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 3 billion welfare mothers and kids, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call themselves Politicians."

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to the IRS was.... "Who did I leave out?"

 

The Monkey Joke

[video=youtube;R9ETlTZoF1E]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9ETlTZoF1E&feature=youtu.be[/video]

 

Guy Gets Nailed In Throat By A Pigeon On Rollercoaster

[video=youtube;nId_Vb1o0Js]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nId_Vb1o0Js[/video]

 

Same Bird

 

Joaquin Phoenix's Forehead (Rotated)

[video=youtube;Q9UDVyUzJ1g]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9UDVyUzJ1g&feature=youtu.be&list=PLPXju9zZ4ajm8DLrXnJp-tBiQg6gLGzuP[/video]

 

Two hunters are out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

Passport Application Letter

ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT

Dear Mrs.. Ms. Or Sir: I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sake's, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?

My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address. What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sake's. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would
you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100. Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to
smile...Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor....WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA!

And you a-holes want to run our health care system?????

 

A Catholic Man

A bus on a busy street struck a man, a Catholic. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest…... Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80’s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue , and every night I'm hearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-5 .... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ..... O-72