The Lighter Side

TRUE STORY:

Yesterday one of my colleagues walked in the room at the start of his class and his room smell strongly of cotton candy. There has been a problem with kids "vaping" between classes. He asked the students if anyone had sprayed cologne or perfume and nobody said anything. He then was convinced that somebody had just hit their vape pen so he called for the principal.

The principal came in and they searched every student, one at a time. No vaping materials were found. The students were asked again and once more no one responded. Finally a young lady asked to talk to the principal privately.

She went out in the hall and gave this explanation... "The autistic girl farted and it stunk really bad so I sprayed my cotton candy body spray in the room to cover the smell. I didn't want to embarrass anybody."

So thirty minutes of instructional time were lost because of a fart.

 

Do autistic farts smell worse and regular farts?

 

Blame it on the autistic kid...

 

Was it raw, or cooked?

I did the same thing in high school French class when our teacher cooked some escargot for us. First bite, I hurled.

 

Yes.

 

Dually noted.

 

When Text Messages Suck!
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

----------------------------

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbor dead.

He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbor, Alan:

--------------------------

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife." That's today's technology for you, hey!

Regards, Alan

 

Haha, good one dude!

 

Lmao dude.

 

Dude that’s a great story! Hahaha

 

Woman Having Affair While Husband Is At Work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

 

^^^ LMAO , BTW you're going straight to hell, not collecting the $200. (unless, of course, you have a "Get Out of Hell Free" card.

 

Lol

 

^^haha, kind of like the blonde that needed to put some "710" in her car

 

The Hair Dresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and
dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other
people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good
luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in
one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a handsome28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And
the hotel was gr eat! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fudged up your hair?"