I just shar****ed

In Nicaragua one time......two horrible stories here

story one that lead to story two.......

We are on a boat out of JJ's camp (what a christard that guy his, his ex stripper/hooker wife is also batshAt looney, but that's another story) and once the boat leaves, it don't come back for you to poo. We pull up to colorados and my first trigger pull apparently wasn't enough at 630. I too, like leeteymike consume the dark brew sans food to get the juices flowing and start the day right.

This morning though, we puffed a bit, and I wanted a banana before I paddled out, as I was very munchable.... the banana triggers the mudslide, not quite mud, but boulders, nice solid boys indicating a healthy diet. I asked 'uh, what should I do' the captain and other clients said, 'deuce in the water bro',
now mind you this was over ten years ago and I was a bit more reserved, not quite so crass, time has really shown me how to not give a f@ck.
So I paddled to the outside and they said, no, go inside so it washes in and you dont sit near it in the lineup

anyone ever try and and duece in the impact zone? opposite of relaxing. it wasnt crazy, a foot overhead, but a knee high wave can disturb my blissfull duece state. not enough to reverse the course of action, but enough to make it miserable. So, in a lul,l I am hanging on my board, when I feel the sweet release....and the turds floating up my back. Motherf*cking floaters. goddamnit! they didnt leave any stains, but anyone else here ever feel their own waste float up their back? unpleasant!

And....on to tale two

After our stint at camp hypocrite with JJ, we decided to stay on our own, now since we didnt have boat access to colorados, we decided to hike in from playa Gigante. This was when there WAS NOTHING in Gigante, no camps, no dale dagger ****head, nothing. This involved a 45 minute treck and leaving our car in care of a 9 year old (seems like a bad move, but it wasnt in reality)

Now, this was 10am, long past the time for bowel ejection, according to my body. but I had to sheet, again! **** me if I was going to have some floaters, so I take a wave all the way in and go into the forest about 10 feet to have my sweet release, but with no water to clean my browneye, I used some leaves nearby.....and then go surf again....Also, it should be noted it was a head and a half plus (4-5 feet) and EMPTY. good god it was awesome. We had all of colorados to ourselves...I dont think that happens today.....end of story?....not quite.

Apparently the leaves I used were toxic, the Latin American version of poison ivy. The skin on my taint and anus was tender, sore and burning, and then it started SLOUGHING OFF. My taint and anus were peeling away in a bloody mess for the next few days, good god I was horrified. I did not get an infection, but it was the worst experience I had related to a normally pleasant activity. I like to have bowel movements, but this imprinted on me to never use strange leaves again to clean myself

 

Always have a fresh pair of pants in the truck.

 

If that's the BEST they could do I can't imagine what their bathroom looked like 10 yrs. ago. That's 3,650 days of practice and they can barely hit the seat. They probably pee in their mouth half the time too.

 

And a package of moist towelettes

Sorry to hear about your arse MIS, that musta been bad.

While I've never deuced directly in the water, we used to poo in a bucket on the lobster boat. If the water was rough, it would naturally be more challenging, as you're trying to maintain a good squat with one hand on the fence for stability while the boat was rocking side to side. Anyway, many a turd missed the bucket, and we'd then fire them off the stern with the tank hose(real powerful)...it was kinda like a demented workingman's shuffleboard.

 

a bucket on a listing ship? difficulty 10

 

Made for some good laughs for sure.

 

Wetsuit or no wetsuit? I was trunking it this week. That will make all the difference in my visualization of this incident.

 

its trunkable already?

 

Borderline. Its about 68-70 down here. It was flat last sunday, but I skimboarded for about an hour and went for a swim for about 30 minutes in trunks and I felt very comfortable. It was about 85 degree air temps though. And usually I am a vagina about cold water. I am the guy in a 3 mil until its like 75 in the water... So if the weather is nice, it's trunkable.

He surfs in Charleston, about 2 hours north of me so they will be having similar water temps.

 

Another sea dumping thread! YESSSSSSSSS!!!

 

I have personally contributed to about 50 pounds of doooo doooo in the ocean over my years. Always when it was crowded and in the summer back between the ages of 10 and 17. I have been thinking about it a lot though. Theres something special about the "aqua dump". It feels wrong like your shi**ing your pants in public, but after I release the load I surf so much better. . When I get in the ocean I let all, and I mean ALL of my problems go. . . . .magic

 

Little known fact, I actually don't poop all winter. I hold it in, saving it, waiting for the day to come....


Finally late Spring/early summer comes to Loch Arbor and the calm peaceful natural unsandpumped jetty waves that usually hold 3-8 people all winter are now overloaded with 75+ warm water warriors on Kelly Slater signature shortboards and Kelly Slater tattoos.

Around this time I usually move off the main peak to the few other good peaks right next to it that no one in the summer ever surfs, where I typically run into the winter crew. But sometimes.... sometimes I want to surf the jetty. And no normal poop is gona clear out that pack (anyone who's surfed Loch Arbor knows).
I've been saving up for a long time.
The moment has arrived.

I paddle over to the jetty, catch the earliest wave I can, so I am in full view of everyone in the lineup. I proceed to drop my pants, lean over, and let the fury of winter unleash upon the area.

Looks like beef stew in the lineup when that's over with. All of a sudden everyone's gone home. See you next summer losers.




You know what would feel even better then surfing an empty loch arbor peak in the summer? Pooping when you have held in 3 months worth of poop. Food for thought.

 

This reminds me. Years ago, there was a guy out surfing the OB pier in July or August. I couldn't tell, cause he was on a longboard and basically submerged from the chest down. Anyway, it was his turn in the lineup, he took a nice long left. When he stood up, homeboy was butt naked. He rode all the way in, got off his board, wrapped his leash up and walk slowly across the beach past the lifeguard tower.. There were easily 1,000 people in the beach in plane view. You could hear a pin drop. The guards just stood there. Didn't say a word. Wouldn't even approach the dude.

He walked off into the sunset like a fu**in boss. Have no idea what his motives were, but I have never seen so many people pretend that they didn't see what I was seeing. I am sure the guards in OB have seen plenty worse in their day. But these are the same d-bags that wrote my wife a ticket for having our 10 pound puppy in her arms on the beach while I was surfing. There was quite a scene made when I got out. But when there is a naked dude walking among st hundreds of families, they just look the other way.

Its much better when the unsuspecting 21 year old chica gets hit by the waves on the inside, loses her top and doesnt realize for a moment... Much better scenerio. Happens quite often out there.

 

This is the tread of all treads when it comes to comedy and not hate.

 

When i was 12 i shark-unted in the woods and wiped my a$$ with the first leaf I saw...you learn quick what poison ivy is when it's all over your junk and a$$....i can relate...although no bloody skin falling off...that must have been brutal.

 

this thread is another SI classic. ive done an aqua dump in a lake, not the ocean....YET! might have to let one lose soon. the fair weather boys are already starting to come out....

 

i took a dump on a offshore buoy one time maybe thats why no one can forecast the surf to this day my dumb made waves for 5 years.

 

KB! Was wondering where the hell you've been lately and there you are. With the Danny McBride re-entry.

 

That's what I used to do. To get in shape I would paddle out to Buoy 44065 every morning for my morning dump.

 

When its time, its time there aint nothing you can do about it