Official Jokes Thread

Stimulus package

 

The First one didnt really make sense, but the one with obama was FUNNY.

 

That is the worst joke I have heard in my life.

 

Blonde Joke (sorry, all I could think of)

So a blonde goes into a beauty parlor to get her hair done. She is wearing a set of headphones and while her hair is being done, her barber kept asking what she was listening to. She wouldn't tell the barber. Eventually, the blonde fell asleep, and the barber was curious so she removed the headphones, and listened to it. This is what she heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...). When she looked back at the blonde, she was dead.

 

very nice.

 

A guy walks into a Liquor Store and says "I want a case or beer, but anything other than Budweiser". The Liquor store attendant says "we have many cases of beer other than Budweiser, but if you don't mind me asking, whats you problem with Budweiser?" The man replies "well last night I drank a whole case of Bud and was up all night blowing Chunks". The Liquor store attendant says " well that's understandable, most people would be blowing Chunks if they drank a whole case of Beer" The guy replies "No No No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog"

 

that just made my day.

 

so a panda walks into a bar and asks for a rum.........and coke. and the bartender asks...whats with the pause? and the panda said "what these, i had these all my life." hahahahaha

 

how come the pirate wasn't allowed to see the movie.........cause it was rated AAAAARRRRRRRR!!!! LOL

 

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH thats funny hahaha. its real stupid but funny


so a guy is playin golf with his wife. off the first tee he shanks one to the right. as he approaches his ball, he realizes that there is a large tree in his line to the green. his wife tells him to punch out back onto the fairway. the man looks at her and says "no no, i'm going to hit it through a small opening in the tree". the man takes his swing and the ball ricochets off the tree and hits his wife, striking her dead. a month later the man is playing the same golf course with a friend and shanks it to the right off the first tee. the man lines up to punch out onto the fairway and his friend says "why not aim for that opening in the tree?". the man looks at him and says "no, last time i tried that something terrible happened". his friend asks what happened and the man says "i got a double bogey"

 

are racist jokes gonna be allowed on here?

 

the only jokes i know are race related jokes....i know a ton of them but i figured i would get called out for being a racist if i put them up....but im not a racist

 

im not a racit eithe rbut mot of the good joke i know are racist ones.

 

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall........ Dam

 

no.........

 

golfer

A new club member/golfer meets up with an older long term golfer/member. During the day a funeral procession goes by and the older golfer removes his hat and bowed his head. The new guy says, wow that a nice show of respect. The older golfer replays “yes, we were married for 45 years”.

 

A penguin is driving cross country and he starts to have trouble with his car. So he stops at a garage to have it looked at. He drops it off and goes outside the garage and sees an ice cream shop across the street and since penguins love ice cream he ran over. After gobbling down his treat he goes back to the shop and asks the mechanic if he has found his problem. The mechanic looks up from the car at the penguin and says yes I did, you blew a seal. The peguin looks puzzled and then says OOhhh no that is just a little ice cream.

 

On a real hot day a blonde walks up to a vending machine to get a soda. She deposits her 50 Cents and out comes her can of soda. The blonde jumps and screams with excitement and proceeds to deposit another 50 cents and when another can pops out she Gets all excited again. She continues doing this for about 20 minutes while a line is forming behind her. The gentleman next in line asks "Could you please let somebody else use the machine..." the Blonde replies "NO WAY, Not while I'm still winning"

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.