The Lighter Side

Second Opinion

As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink..... “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?” I asked.

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” and with a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now!”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

 

A foursome of guys, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore
short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the
restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

(I think I know all four of these guys.)

 

The Lonesome Tractor

Cletus is passing by Billy Ray Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left in a very tantalizing manner. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall slowly down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Ray Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Ray Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


(Don't make me come over and explain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

 

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican." Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan.."

 

First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human
body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not
be disgusted by anything involving the human
body." For example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead
and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked
at them and told them, "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention.

 

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Nascar too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

 

Frank was PERFECT ****




A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.You're just like Frank.

'Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.

'Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

'Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his fricking wife."

 

A guy comes home from work one day and he sits on the couch and says to his wife, hurry, get me a beer before it starts.....she thought this was weird but she was like, what the hell, I will do it anyways, so she got him a beer and about five minutes later, he yells again, "hurry, get me another beer before it starts" so she brings him another one and think that its just odd. Then about five minutes later, he yells "hurry, get me another beer before it starts!" and she gets up and starts to yell at him, " I CLEAN THIS HOUSE ALL DAY AND TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? YOU COME HOME, NOT EVEN SAY HI TO ME, AND YOU SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV AND MAKE ME GET YOU BEER!" The guy says, "oh shit, it started.........."