The Lighter Side

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

 

Beer and the Wheel


"The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

"Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

"Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

"The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.

"Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

"Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter') learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

"Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

"Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

"Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

"Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

"Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

"Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

"Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

"A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

"And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks! Right after I forward this message."

 

Two oil field workers went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.
The roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK - the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the heck was that for?" the roughneck asked.
"You're in Texas, " the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.
The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK - the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the roughneck demanded.
"Making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the roughneck asked.
"I know you roughneck types," The trooper said. "A hundred feet down the road, you would've turned to your buddy and said, 'I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!'