The Lighter Side

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 1, 2017.
RE: Christmas Party.

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees.!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty.






Company Memo.




FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 2, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Are you happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty.



Company Memo.







FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 3, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty.




Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
To: All Employees.
DATE: November 4, 2017.
RE: Generic Holiday Party.

What a diverse group we are!







I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party!







Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’

Did I miss anything.???

Patty.




Company Memo.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All ****ing Employees.
DATE: November 5, 2017.
RE: The ****ing Holiday Party.

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!







We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you balloon knots like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT ****ING NOW!’

The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die.

Patty.




Company Memo.

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.
DATE: November 6, 2017.
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

So ‘**** the lot of You and Happy Whatever!’



Joan.

 

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his

seventy-two virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah

why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah looked at him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the

seventy-two virgins are here in Paradise because people like you

murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.

So you're here to service them.

Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and frankly,


you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from

Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that.

How hard can it be to keep seventy-two women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?