The Lighter Side

1. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

 

1. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

 

1. You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.

 

1. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 

What's the punch line

 

1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

1. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

 

1. Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

 

lance, come back!!!! my best is not good enough!

 

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.” The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?” He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. “Now” he says “Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

 

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

 

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

 

1. What do you call a hippie’s wife? A Mississippi!

 

1. What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!

 

1. What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!