Years ago, before I met you... I was surfing the Hurricane Andrew swell, which up to that point was the strongest hurricane ever recorded. As I exited the water a young couple came running towards me yelling. As soon as they arrived to me I drop kicked the dude and his head flew from his neck, killing him instantly. The young woman, obviously surprised by my actions, looked stunned briefly before explaining that they were both really big fans of my surfing and was hoping I'd sign an autograph. Never uttering a word I grabbed her surfboard and rubbed my p_e_n_i_s on it. Dropping it to the ground, I continued on my way. Later that week she went out for a surf on that board. As she straddled the surfboard out in the line-up she became pregnant. When the child was delivered nine months later the Dr. asked her what name she had for the child. She said... Kelly, Kelly Slater.

People ask me why I won't compete with anyone. I say it's simple, if you can find anyone at my level, I'll compete with them.

I always surf alone somewhere in front of Patrick Air Force Base. You'll never see me surf the popular breaks like 2nd Light for the simple reason that it's never as good as Teahupoo.

Today, the day Kelly Slater has won his 11th world title I only have this to say to my son "...Why only 11? What a friggen disappointment."

written by Big Jim

This is a work of fiction and was created for the sole purpose of comedic entertainment. None of this should be taken as fact or truthful testimony.

Congrats Kelly, if I ever run into you bro I'm buying the first round.