Does the type of board you own....

First, pick up a Hyperflex Team wetsuite...you know, the modest one. Then, you need the douchiest model of board that's currently on the market...I recommend anything by Vissla or Joel Tudor. You can wax it with the best wax possible: bee schitt. Just go grab a hive, grab a fistful of bees, and squeeze the living schitt out of them until they crapp all over your deck. Top it off with one of those spiral surf leashes, like the kind those uber-cool river surfers use. The more colorful, the better.

Rock up to the parking lot of the busiest break in a 1998 Chevy Caprice Classic (the ones that look like cockroaches) with a set of 26" spinners, a DUB sticker and some of those sweet stick-on fake chrome plastic hood vents that you can get at Pep Boys for $1.99 each. Be sure to blast some Miley Cyrus or Iggy Azalea so that everybody in Camden can hear you.

Proceed to step out of your Donk and start doing some pre-surf warmups in the parking lot...preferably some SUP yoga like you already mentioned, or better yet, twerk your little fanny off like Anastasia Ashley...while in your Team wetsuite, of course.

Put on your SpiderDork web gloves and proceed to backpaddle the locals on your way out.

If this doesn't work, nothing will.

 

i sup and use bethany hamilton's arm as my paddle

i will meet you to fight irl

 

Down, so everyone can peep that fresh snapback and neon ferris bueller shades. Make sure you're wearing your matching neon Yolo shirt. Whatever you do, never ever shut up about your music festival exploits. Everyone needs to know about Dj ****head feat chicken head ****er clicking buttons on a laptop.

 

Dude. You're Bionic. Go shred the Belmar.

[video=youtube;HoLs0V8T5AA]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoLs0V8T5AA[/video]

 

We all have go-pro predators. After our epic backside whoopie doo sling winger 720, we launch hellfires at the nearest school of jellies, whilst blasting the latest dubstep. Wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub. The latest series is called "Get a J.O.B. 6.0".

 

And don't you dare forget your salt-life sticker...

 

Since you guys seeming experts, how often should I change the fins out on my 8' funny?

 

You should just do it mid session, right in the water.

 

Good pointers Michelle .. Where's your boy spicoli? Probably doing all of the above right now. Or he's probably watching his mom clean my man juice off her granny panties ..

 

How about dreads?! Should I grow dreads for points in the lineup??

 

I'm assuming this is best done in short jerking motions, hands underwater. What's the policy on eye contact during this? Death stare or "chyah brah I'm about to shred..." Look?

 

Best time to surf is the summer, you didn't know?