so last night i was out for the evening stroll with mrs tard and there is this girl in the neighborhood who we are on a first name basis with. she bought a house on the next block over two or three years ago. nice enough, she surfs, sups, whatever....she has a black lab too and we always stop to chat. now we've never seen her with a man and i know she takes her softball pretty seriously. whenever we do chat, she is cordial with me but she engages eye to eye with mrs. tard. i called it after the first few months...definitely plays for the other team. now on a scale of one to ten she's about a 5 but could be a 6 after some serious boozing. she is definitely the pitcher, but is still feminine enough to go undetected on gaydar if you saw her at the supermarket. she was walking with a "friend" who had her own labrador....and this girl was a no-sh!t-how-in-the-hell-did-you-pull-that-piece-of-a$$ 10. and friendly. my first thought was that i'd do her right there. the second thought was "how the fvck do i get a picture of this and not be murdered in the process?" there was no fvcking way. so i made the best of it. i bent over to pet her pooch and see if i could sniff her cooch. it was sublime. she smelled like an internet first date that came prepared to be eaten. i had to get the hell out of there before i was obvious. after exchanging pleasantries and mis-matched pheromones we were on our way again. oddly, mrs tard said very little about it other than "she didn't look like i would have expected." yeah....me either babe, me either.
"...and i know she takes her softball pretty seriously." Dont know if that line was a joke, but it made me laugh
Always feels good to make a call like that and be right in the end. I have a feeling your future conversations will have just a tinge of a different vibe.
So I have a funny one kinda like that but not really. When I first moved back to NJ my moms boyfriend says go stay at my house it has too many bad memories of my x, but you have to share it with my laborer Pat. I'm like thanks awesome. So a month of hey dude, whats up man, grab me a brew dude exchanges happen between us. The dude always has his room door closed and locked but it was located in a spot where you could see right in from the kitchen so I thought nothing of it. A month into our stretch as roommates Pat was at work and the door was open. From the kitchen I could see a pic of pats sister and she looked hot so I went in for a closer look. When I got within range It dawned on me, Pat had a mangina. Pat was doing the reverse finkle and einhorn. I wasn't sure if I should try to reverse Pat back into Patty and bang her or keep treating Him/Her like one of the boys. In this time of confusion instead of coming up with a game plan I got drunk with my friend but I told him nothing. About 10 that evening I went in the bathroom to take a sh!t and while I was in there a commotion broke out in the living room. I wiped and hurried out to see my friend caught in the grasp of Pats rear naked choke and tapping. I broke it up and the two made up, I couldn't stop laughing and I never had the heart to tell either of them the information I knew. Fast forward two years. I was delivering pizza and who answers but Pat. He/She invites me in and is like "HI meet my family". Pat had a smoking hot Cameron Diaz looking wife and two kids that were definitely from some poor idiots seed. Its weird how things work out sometimes....
mang dude i doubt this happened, because if it did i would of been there i got the new lesbian gaydar app for my phone anywhere to women kiss it shows up with in 500mi.
Good sniff, Tard. Well played. In Amsterdam I toked on the street in the red light district with a bunch of HAMMERED drunk British dudes waiting for their buddy who was getting it on with a hooker. I pointed out that we were in the tranny section. They were too drunk to notice at first. When their buddy got "done", they told him. It was as if Hollywood scripted his response, "Thats so weird... she insisted we do it from behind... and she kept her underwear on..." Oddly enough, they all had a quick laugh about it and they were over it. In America that would not be lived down.
I agree on the "sniff." When a writer does a great job, and you can see something, we call it a "visual." What is it when you can smell it? A "sniffle?" Good sniffle, metard.
Nah bro, I'm only batting .500. Maybe less, because I've been married for over 20 years. I figure I'm batting probably about a buck fitty now. I like pie, not strudel.
