Irish cousins

Pat said, "boyo, wanna see me shillelagh?"

 

Then the thread was shut down, because Irish drunks just can't get along.

 

There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow.
Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree.

The mother wakes up, sees the milk cow dead and her husband hanging from the tree and throws herself into the river and she washes up on the shore.

The oldest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanged and, by his mother who has washed up on the shore, a leprechaun - a female leprechaun.

She says "Looks like you're having a bad day". he says "I should say so." She says "i'll make you a deal, if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring your mom and dad back, and even the milk cow".

He says "well why not?". He almost makes it but fails. so she kills him.

The next son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, his father hanging and his mother and brother dead by the shore near the leprechaun.

She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, I'll bring you father, mother and brother back, and also the milk cow". He agrees. He doesn't make it either, so the leprechaun kills him.

The youngest son wakes up, sees the milk cow dead, the father hanging from the tree, and his mother and two brothers dead by the shore, and the female leprechaun.

She tells him "if you make love to me 10 times in a row, without stopping, I'll bring your father, mother and two brothers back, and even the milk cow".

He says "Well, look at you and look at me, I'm young and virile, let's try it. BUT, what if I make love to you 15 times in a row?"

She says, "In that case, I'll bring your father, mother and brothers back, even the milk cow and give you nice mansion where your hovel is".

He says "That's fine and all, but what if I make love to you 20 times in a row?"

She says "If you make love to me 20 times in a row, I'll bring your entire family back, even the milk cow, give you mansion where your hovel is and give you a big pot of gold that will last you your entire life".

He says "alright let's get started in a minute, but first, if I make love to you 20 times in a row, what's to stop YOU from dying? The milk cow did."

 

True life story: I was living in Dublin in 2002. I am not Jewish.

I was in a busy downtown pub next to my apartment with a psychotic philosophy major friend of mine who was on enough lithium to subdue a bear. He thought it would be fun/perversely hot to try and get Catholic Irish girls to say the Hail Mary. His social experiments usually ended in good laughs so I was in.

He approached a large girl sitting alone by the door. She refused to say the Hail Mary, but he was persistent. She asked why we wanted to hear it, and he explained (lied) that we were both Jewish and from NYC (lie), and that we had never it before. Neither of us look remotely Jewy. She said, "You're Jewish?!?!. Well so is my boyfriend, he is the bouncer." She calls him over.

Up walks a MASSIVE bic bald ex-Israeli military combat vet of no less than 6'6". This man is an ox. She explains to him what want, and then demands with him present, "If you two are Jewish, say a Jewish prayer." The bouncer is skeptical.

My buddy, on his toes, responds: "We are 4th generation New York jews. Religion is something our parents used to do to make their parents happy. We don't know the first thing about being Jewish other than we live in Queens and worry too much, and we are both planning on working in finance." I'm thinking, great dude, sprinkle some racism on the problem.

The bouncer surprises everyone as his expression changes from skeptical to sadness and he says, "You're Jewish and you dont know any prayers?!" We are all surprised. He seems generally saddened that we missed out on our heritage. She is mad that he is buying it, and we are stoked that we aren't going to die. He proceeds to teach us a prayer. He tells us we should go on our birthright trip, consider living in Israel, and join the IDF. We are moved, but for all the wrong reasons.

His gf is seething. She knows we are full of it. He then makes her recite the Hail Mary, and teach it to us. We fumble through it. She is MAD. Ox goes back to the door, we go back to the bar, and she sits there alone in her own rage.

Fast forward a few hours to closing time. My psychotic friend is gone, and I am hammered. A girl who lives in my apartment building waltzes over and takes a big gulp of a beer, and then hands me the rest. Limerick girls will snake your beer when you arent looking, and thats what she did to the guy standing nearby. We chat for a few seconds, and then she flutters off, leaving me with the beer.

A large skin-head man turns around and says "AYE, YOURE DRINKING MY BEER." His crew of 3-4 other dudes starts to encircle me as I defensively deny it. It takes a drunken second to register that I was in fact drinking his beer, and it hit me around the same time I realized that none of my friends are anywhere to be found to bail me out of this mess.

I say to the skin-heads, "You know what, I suspect I might actually be drinking your beer, let me buy you guys a round. Its this girl from my apartment..." The female bartender informs me that its long past last call. The lights are on. They've been on. Its been last call for a minute or two, hence why she stole the beer. "I don think you understand, I REALLY need these beers." The female bartender could care less--I've hit on her so many times and sleezed around this pub, in her eyes I am getting what I deserve.

"Well fellas, it looks like there arent going to be any more beers." They encircle me, and its going to get ugly. The people around me are clearing out. Out of nowhere my savior--my jewish brother---BOUNCER OX---lunges in and corralls all of them and shoves literally fight-shoves them out the front door and locks it behind them. He then gets behind the door and pours me another round.

Those guys waited outside for 30 minutes for me. The longer they waited, the longer I sat with my Jewish brother and drank for free. I left via the backdoor and walked 50', and climbed up the fire escape into my apartment.

 

i just read that entire post

leaves me with the feeling i had after i watched shark boy and lava girl

the whole movie, completely sober

 

What's Irish and stays out all summer?












Patty O'Furniture!!!! Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck..

 

bill cosby raped me and my 2 irish cousins.i want cnn coverage now!!!!!

 

Soooo it was the greatest movie of all time? I've reread my own post just for entertainment it was that good.