Official Jokes Thread

that really and trully just mad my day. especially after mr.swellinfo deleted all or the racist jokes.

 

blonde jokes are racist, just saying.

 

How the fight started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
And that's how the fight
started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight
started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight
started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight
started......
*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first!!
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight
started.....
************************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight
started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend... I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight
started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight
started...

============================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway..'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

"blonde" isn't a race, so the jokes aren't racist.

 

How does a blonde remove hair from her lip?

When she finishes swallowing she slides the pole out of her mouth.

 

A guy gets home from happy hour and hands his wife some money. She says, "what is this for?" The guy says "a guy threw up on my shirt and gave me $20 for the dry cleaning bill" His wife replies, "but there is $40 here." The guy says "...yeah, cause he $h!t in my britches too..."

 

How do you make a baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.

 

all of my jokes are racist. but go to fmylife.com some of those are funny.

 

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

 

hahahahahahahahaha

 

Why do blondes like lightning? Because they think they are getting their picture taken.

 

Subject: The importance of checking your child's homework


SEE MOM’S REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah?s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

 

HAHAHA. That can't be real, but still super hilarious.

 

hahaha roflol.^^

 

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi?

Cause.... if it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

 

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lighbulb?

Wanna Ride a Bike?

 

A blonde walks into a convienience store and sees a TV on the counter. She walks up to the cashier and says "I would like to buy that TV." He replies "Sorry I we don't sell to blondes." The next day she comes back to the store after dying her hair brown and says "Hello, I would like to buy that TV." The cashier replies "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." She says "How did you know I was blond??" He replies "Because thats a microwave."