swellinfo surf story

...standing in the unemployment line in New York was Slashdog, who got pinged with a text on his Obamaphone by MakeItStop alerting him of the impending Stokepocalypse. Slashdog had been in that line for what seemed like forever due to a lack of a social security number and the fact that he'd never once been gainfully employed. Neither the IRS, the SSA, nor the federal government had any record of his material existence. One would think that these characters wouldn't be able to coherently text due to the great divide between Slashdog's eloquent loquaciousness and MIS's severe illiteracy. The bond that the two chargers had formed from knowing each other biblically so many times rendered their collective written word superfluous and their bromantic communication was fully predicated on the ANALogy of emoji cartoons. MIS texted Slashdog with emojis of a surfer, skull and crossbones, politically erect phallus, and a kiss. Slashdog knew immediately that meant the end wasn't just near, the end was now, and that MIS was summoning him to consummate their carnal covenant one fateful last time. Meanwhile, back in the souph...

 

....Blaster was mixing up a concoction of moonshine, BBQ sauce, and bathsalts.

 

...he called it "Folly Swill" and it was intended to be shott out of das boot...

 

....if, and ONLY if, a surfer could make the 23' pier shot whilst trading stocks on his iPhone 9 & checking his Rolex for time of re-entry on the other side of said pier.

Unfortunately, along came young Hawkfart who promptly guzzled him some 'Folly Swill' and started doing a pre-surf warm-up routine that resembled a Wookie getting tasered.

Off into the surf the young'un raced, with his 4'9 chip and soon enough he was turning rodeos & slobs & rad moves that have no names in that mackin' Carolina shore pound, while back on land Blasters was having his way with ....

 

.....emasses mom. she loved it considering she had never known the touch of a man before, only truckdriving bulldykes.....

 

She loved every second of it.

 

oh my

 

...although the two were incorrect in their identification of the woman, as Spicoli's mother had passed a few years ago...

 

As they got closer, they saw that Blasters was indeed having his way with a Massachusetts WASP. Unfortunately he was so wrecked on Folly Swill that he didn't realize he was having his way with a man. MichaelJR clawed into his softtop Greco as he squeeled in glee.

 

Blaster was heavily armed. He pumped and thrusted, holding a dessert eagle to poor Michael's head. MichaelJR thought: I KNEW IT, THE ONE TIME I AM NOT CARRYING THE HEAT... as the tears streamed down his face.

 

he learned his lessons, dont pop lip, just bite on the gag and pray for it to be over.......(REDACTED, pm me for rest)

 

After MicahelJr got fully sodomized and had been pumped full like a Twinkie he rolled over and drifted off to dreamland. THe Swelluminati meanwhile were still awaiting the incoming swell...

 

Meanwhile, Sandblaster came running up in a full sweat. "You're wasting my special Swill you bunch of northern degenerates. This stuff is meant to be spray painted on my Cakalakee Spearchucker so I can surf it into the eye of the whirlpool. One good Carolina Cutback, and BOOM goes the dynamite! Hopefully this $hit will blast those tea bag sucking pu$$ies back to their land of warm beer and bad food." It was a noble gesture to be so ready to sacrifice himself for the defense of Dixie.

 

As soon as Blaster unleashed his Cakalakee Spearchucker from the top of his war wagon, it was ON. 18 women on the beach fainted dead away at the sight of Blasters war painted Spear, and I'm not talking about his surfboard here, eh?

The reporter from the local Fox channel exclaimed, "Did you see the size of that mutherfu....!"..bleep bleep bleep went the television as the news director offered up a silent prayer of thanks for tape delay. But that didn't stop the YouTube gen X, Y, and Lost from filming spicoli's mama handing out Cakalakee paint & condoms to Carter and Lee The Stud.

No, thank you ma'am said the always genteel Virginia Stud, Ah'm about to ride my stick on that 23' swell, in fact never mind pier shottin' Ah'm a-goin' ovah that theah beatcchh!

And ride he did, painted stick underfoot & insane grin nearly hiding the slobber flowing from his one-toof gaping mr potato head mouf, until the Fox reporter (male) screamed with joy at the sight & repeatedly slammed the microphone into his own balls.

Unfortunately, the reporter's scream of joy only served to draw in ......

 

...the Real Bettys of Ft. Pierce, who were en route in a Winnebago. Dressed to the nines. Queen Mum had got on her Zach Morris phone and dialed them up. Upon arrival, they joined forces with the Ghost of Spicoli's Mom and cast Wiccan spells on MIS, Slashdog and yankee, turning them more female than they already were. Worse yet, their frames now sported EE racks, rendering their bodies unsurfable by aerodynamic standards. sandblasters and GitCarter looked on in complete laughter sounding like Nelson from the Simpsons. zach619 popped out of the woodwork looking like...

 

Kelly Slater, but more buff. The gleam of light off his polished crome and pecs blinded all who dared to look his way,

 

Luckily, MIS knows mad witches who brew poison apples and undid that bullsh!t spell for everyone. Then they went and got wings and cheep bear with bubonic phonics at the piccalilli in AC where eddie murphy's stunt double was trying to re-hash 'delirious' in numbed mumbling haze. as funny as it was, they jetted to go to the diving horse for real entertainment, word has it Blasters sister was in town with the Harlem Globetrotter and they were headlining late night at the horse

 

Snookie was the HEADliner.

 

Then we sacrificed Michael JR to the patron saint of the elderly.

 

...but Snookie would be no match for Jenelle, who showed up looking for Billy...