...the boys were getting ready to paddle out. quadruple triple double overhead caverns with 90ft closeouts.emass grabbed his 14'3 roy super hornet space gun and was the first to paddle out.half way to the outside a 90ft closeout set appeared on the horizon.the boys tried to dive deep,metard had inflated his safety vest before the wave came crashing down.the boys were sent tumbling underwater and they came up gasping for air. to their astonishment,a local mary lee and all 16ft of her sexy sharky body appeared to be moving in.a boat came flying up and a little boy said im here to help you.im shart hunter!!! the shart hunter dived into the water with his water wings and a 24inch speargun with a dull bamboo stick projectile. mary lee was moving in,this is my chance. shart fired the bamboo spear and it missed.......
Mary Lee jumped up and bit shart snuffer in half. The guys stared with mouths wide open. A huge close out crashed on him and Mary Lee and they both disappeared...
....just as Big $ T Bag caught the biggest wave of the set, it was over 100' and a representative for Guinness Book of World records was on the beach recording the whole incident on his iWatch 18. He exclaimed, "We have a new world record holder for largest wave ever ridden, the Shred now holds the title!" Natkitchen had a pair of binoculars and was watching as Shred pulled a suite KFC turn off the lip and realized Shred was not only ripping up the wave, but he had a 22 oz. fourloco in his hand and there was a hindu supermodel on her knees blowing him whilst he rode the giant. The battle ensued on the beach between the SI tribe and Roy and Chuck-a-boo-boo evil army of death. they had been joined by another one of Roy's ass-kissers, a mysterious fellow by the name of Steve.
...steve83 raised his webbed-gloved hand to wave to the Swellers saying "Aloha" to the irate group as if to pacify relations that his two cohorts had made hostile by their months and years of kookery. Roy used the kook's greeting as a decoy to sneakily brandish a 3D-printed fin that doubled as a shank. He attempted to stab natkitchen with his overpriced shank yet the kookfin broke on nat's kevlar vest hidden under his hypercolor hoodie. The kookfin clearly did NOT contain any titanium whatsoever and Roy was subsequently clubbed to death by nat's binoculars. Shred swiftly rode a reform wave in on his stomach and sprinted up to the crowd, placing a Susan B. Anthony on each of the eyes of Roy's corpse, saying "hasta la vista, bae bae." MVsurfer came racing back through the shallow water on his WaveJet with none other than the Queen Mum riding tandem. Betty stepped off the kookmobile and said...
...as the Swellers always look to the Queen Mum for her advisory on incestuous activity, they were eager to hear of Incest 69L brewing off of Block Island, likely to make the ledge recently featured in several mags go off, not to mention Ruggles. The problem with Ruggles was that cepriano, the navigation specialist for the Swellers, couldn't find it on a map and had no idea what state it was in let alone what street it was off of. Luckily, Bettina had the answer for this as well, as all good Queen Mums do. The Swelluminati was submerged to the depths of this ledge, studying its topography from bottom to top. Levy, who was captaining the sub, had to abort the recon mission when Sid Abruzzi broke the pressure seal on the sub trying to roast a joint of Sakonnet Skunk. Both cats withstood vestibular damage from the pressure break and now had permanent vertigo from the inner ear damage. Manisses and Ryan McCall were waxing each others guns in the backyard in preparation for the macking Rhodey swell while the voyeuristic Agabinet looked on with interest. Mad Atom and your pier headed straight down 95 from Maine in their salmon-colored '81 VW Vanagon blasting the Big Hits and Nasty Cuts album from Twisted Sister while pounding bottle after bottle of Jolt Cola. At the same time, the Willimantic, Connecticut truancy officers were hot on the heels of RIsurfer and livesurffish after the two freshmen stole RIsurfer's father's Prius and swerved about Rte. 138 on the way to Newport while they held hands and posted Instagram selfies at a vigorous rate. Just as the grommets were crossing state borders...
Michaeljr emerged from the bushes in his super beetle with guns a blazing, challenging the groms to a fight for disrespecting their elders with a few to many homo-erotic selfies....
Betty shook her head in disbelief at the rag tag group of swellies ready to surf after doing battle. She talked them out of roasting Chuck over the victory fire and helped direct the erection of a huge wooden board tombstoned in memory of the gnome. After a little more Kasser's vodka the wooden gnome dome was promptly set on fire and a wild game of football assumed on the beach. Emass announced that they used to call him Johnny football in college and then was gang tackled by everyone. Betty poured over hurricane charts and swell maps trying to decide the next move for the group. Koki came out of the bushes in the dunes yelling "look what I found..."
Meanwhile, the battle at Belmar was getting bloody.... Metard was violating Roy's lifeless body, he had found Roy's computer generated fin and was bludgeoning the corpse with it. The ghost of Wayne was so busy sucking Jesus' schween that he posed no threat to the crew. Chuck-a-boo-boo had gained some ground, he sonic ear clapped the Shred, who was on the ground passed out. ....but Shred's mom had the last laugh, she saw what had happened to Big $......and immediately sprung up off of Koki's pelvis.....chugged a fourloco....and charged the barn dweller.... Chuck-a-boo-boo ran and climbed back into the 5 story gnome to call for reinforcements when all of a sudden....
The blaze could be seen for miles. Rcarter and Yankee were dancing around the blazing gnome hurling insults at Chuck who was frantically climbing to the top. As the flames reached higher and higher...
Chuck was kept from catching fire by the piss that flooded down his leg. The wooden Gnome burned quickly thanks to the bull sh!t it was filled with. Charlie Boo Boo watched in horror as the once great wooden idol he and the Gnome built turned to ash before his eyes and his hero lay dead being violated by Metard. The phone rang and it was a call from Randy Rarrick. He praised the SI Crew for banishing the Gnome to hell and said all of Roy's plans must be destroyed lest the evil return...
...grabbing the CBC Sushi 5'8 from metard's soft racks on his whip, Slashdog sprinted to the liquid to get stoked as the sun retired for the eve. He rode only the most inside waves where the 23-fotters were reforming into chest high whitewash. Slashdog did the Honeyton Hop all the way down the line as the long period waves connected in the shorebreak. Never did he think he'd be so stoked on a Costco product, yet he was. These foamies were no doubt all the rage now with the Swellers as MATT JOHNSON started absolutely ripping on a 8' Maui and Sons soft top from Sam's Club. He got Mrs. Shred all hot and bothered when he trew a floater while hanging ten into an airdrop shove-it. The social media frenzy erupted as a result of this foam-a-rama and all the Swellers were in awe. Time seemed to stop until wildfire prevention specialist trevolution busted into the break and started hosing down the inferno that Chuck stood atop with a pressure hose unit mounted in the bed of an '83 Subaru BRAT. Upon extinguishing the blaze, he flipped up his mask, turned to the crowd and shouted...
...what seemed to be the last good wave of the night walled up wide enough for a slew of Swellers to paddle in. jackrichard was on the peak, much to his delight as he enjoying surfing the waves with the others surfers and knows that the surfer enjoys surfing waves. The wave peeled very quickly right to left, so fast it nearly dumped all at once. Good thing for Zippy, he was fast enough taking the highline and proved once again that closeouts do not exist, only fast and slow surfing. mitchell caught a standing barrell in the womb of the wave and Officer Doug shott the tube with equal proficiency. Micah shoulder hopped and got pitted on his bat tail but lost a flipper in the spin. The flipper smacked the lips of Juliaep who was charging the wind chop hard. Her Brazkini came off from the messy swell and Bill Cosby's Nephew keeled over making an awkward sound when seeing her wardrobe malfunction. He apparently went back to his Xterra over the dunes for some quiet time to reflect on what happened. Beachside, Spicoli's pitbull Occhy was playing poker with Bogeton Wolftucks who had surfaced from under the boardwalk. Gruvi got pinned by the Swellers for his pizza cooking skills and his hand release techniques. It was getting chilly at dusk and Swellers were warming their hands and cheese sammiches under the heaters in the restroom. Some spoke of camping out on the beach up at Avalon to pass around "bongs", bath salts and PBR while the rest knew it was now time to pack into the Class-A hype train and make way towards Rhodey for the upcoming weather event. The group could not believe their eyes when they headed north on 95 and saw...
koki went to retrieve the sh1tstained peso when metard stumbled out behind the dunes screaming that's my dollar!.that's when shred came out of djais screaming please don't take my allowance!! as they tussled,the dollar came free from shreds moms shoestring of a panty,when everyone started running for it.koki tripped over shreds mom,who awoke in her 350lb 5'2 perfect body,saying shes going to kill whoever took her rent money. metard caught the dollar near the shorebreak,and stole spicolis 675,000$ custom built roy spacerocket board and started paddling towards seaside heights.the crowd could not keep up. metard washed ashore where casino pier once stood.he was greeted by the smell of burnt sausages and cheap cologne.he glanced towards the boardwalk and seen the prettiest little thing alive,snookie. as the couple were making their getaway,mike the situation appeared and said hey toughguy,benchoff right now for snookie.metard was bedazzled,as he knew he couldn't keep up with this dangerous situation.he had a plan at last. he whipped out his moneymaker and tinkled on mikes 700$louie Vuitton flip flops.the situation started crying,when the rest of the jersey shore crew shown up............
As Blaster sped down the 95, he raced over the Pennsylvania/Maryland border and took a huge sigh of relief as soon as he took a deep breath of that sweet southern air. He pulled over the side of the road to regroup. He noticed Zach619, sitting on the bed of his truck in a ditch in the side of the road. The general lee slowly approached. Zach only raised his head when he heard the honking of a horn "daaa daa daa diii dii diii daaa daaa daaa daaaaaaaaaaaaaa". A smile came over Zach's face as he realized who it was. "WTF are you doing on the side of the road Zach, and where are your bit***s at?" "Well, first I waited in DC for hours and my friend never came downstairs. As soon as we got into enemy territory, I was pulled over and harassed by some trooper. He recognized me from that whole Volcom incident. And dude, you know it wasn't rape. They all wanted it. They were begging me for it.... But anyway, the stupid cop got distracted so we retreated back to the sweet south. I have been staring at the Welcome to PA sign for hours. I was low on gas money, so I rented out my lady friends to a couple guys in a van. They seemed harmless, I am sure they will take good care of the ladies."..... "I just don't think I can cross that line again. It just feels so dirty up there"... "I know man, I know. Why do you think I am headed south?" Blaster replied. "Well, why don't we just cut through Maryland, go to Ocean City and take a boat up to the Jersey Shore...".... If we anchor in the water, surf all day and never touch the sand, we TECHNICALLY aren't really in the North, right?" Zach said. "What if we have to get involved in a Bench off?" Blaster pleaded Puzzled, Zach sat in silence for a moment. They he said, "Hey, we can just stop at a multinational retail chain store on the way to the shore, buy a new bench and throw it on the back of the boat" Blaster tossed a tall boy of budwesier to Zach and yelled. "Well fu** it man, lets go"..... And then....
...Mainsess and Ryan McCall were paddling out to the offshore Rhodey ledge when they saw the sun reflect off the submarine periscope. Just then, in the depths below...
(This story is far from over) The swellinfo story is based on a true story....All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
