"Sorry it took so long to get here" he exclaimed, as he let out seven perfect smoke rings of sour diesel.
As DP finished off the last of the icky sticky, he reached down to a small button on the handle of his paddle, and said "Check this out y'all..." He pressed the magic button, and the paddle exploded into a huge cloud of the stinkiest diesel smoke ever seen. When the smoke cleared, there was DP with the meanest, fastest COIL shredder board they'd ever seen. "THIS is how we roll in FLA, buoys!" "Let's ROCK!"
DPSUP was excited to get some surf. He had been stuck in Florida for the legendary 20 year drought, which had still not ended. For 20 years, 3 months and 6 days a wave had not broken in the entire state of Florida. But everyone knows that.
As the local surfers stood above the famous Road Island Point Break, a scruffy man walked up the stair case along the sea wall. He was covered in dirt, grease and what seemed to be chicken feathers of some sort. The man removed his tin foil hat for a moment, wiped his brow and looked out at the waves, now standing next to a crew of surfers. "The surf looks big. About 23-25 foot I reckon" one surfer says. The greasy man chuckled, then replied: "25 feet? Yeah right. Thats MAYBE one foot Hawaiian bro. Maybe knee high"... The surfer stared back at him with a perplexed look. "Who the hell are you?" he asked. The man replied: "I am MakeitStop" "What the hell are you doing down the beach with all that construction equipment? It looks like you are burying an old school bus in the sand" "Precisely" Make it Stop replied. "I got a phone call earlier that my school bus had arrived and we were set to dig. I got on the first flight from Hawaii to get here and bury this thing" "Why on earth are you burying a school bus?" another local asked. "Because when I come here to surf, I need to be prepared. Who knows what could happen. War, aliens, the apocalypse a second civil war. You never know bro. You never know. I need some reassurance. I don't believe in guns or police, so it's me and my people. I must look after them. I am their Shepard. If anything goes down or the ATF shows up, I will take my heard to the school bus bunker, where we will be safe." "You really think a school bus buried in the ground is going to save you?" The local asked. "Well, that's why I took a break. I am headed to go get more tin foil. We are running low and I need A LOT more." The greasy chicken man jumped on a scooter and sped off...... He hollered "Two in the pink. One in the Stink!" as he road off into the distance.
...DSUP scratched into repeated tubes off the ledge slab and was getting billeted beyond belief. His glory was shattered when he was dropped in on by Reza Baluchi in his hydro-pod. The disoriented distance running kook could hardly comprehend the mess when a fired up DSUP got in his foreign grill. "Is this Bermuda?" asked Baluchi. "No. And it ain't Iowa neither," snarled DSUP. "This is the surfingwasteland of Rhodey," clarified Ryan McCall, who looked alien-like to Baluchi with his magenta and neon yellow Body Glove wetsuite. Baluchi attempted to smooth things over with the group by offering them protein bars, but DSUP couldn't try them due to his severe gluten allergy. The bubble buoy was about to get jumped by the angry mob of Swellers when...
Blaster and Zach arrived offshore at Rhodey, making sure not to set foot on the heathenous soil of the Nawth. Zach, just back from the South Carolina Aeronautics Division of the Department of Commerce, had him a fist full of missile permits. "I didn't come all the way up here for nothin!" he shouted. "I'm gonna blow SOMETHIN UP!"
Wait, Blaster said.... What would ClemsonSurf do? He would want us to swim out there and take a dump in the lineup before we go firing the missiles. Also, we need to make sure there aren't any "Friendlies" out there. "And why does all the water north of Maryland smell like Feces?" Blaster asked. "Because there is FECES in the water. Why do you think I packed gloves and booties", Zach replied. Blaster and Zach take turns looking through the missile's scope. Putting the red dot on various foreheads in the lineup and scanning the conditions.......
The SS Hot Karn rips in half from the blast, Blaster and Zach are launched skyward. Upon their decent, they both performed perfect swan dives leaving almost no splash whatsoever.... 10 seconds later, they both emerged and look at each other realizing that they both made it. "WHAT ABOUT THE FLAG?" zach screamed. Sandblaster smiled and raised a soaking wet dixie flag out of the water. "Thank god" zach said in relief. Then zach began making a strange face.... "WTF are you doing bro?" Blaster asked. "We are only about 20 feet from the lineup. I am trying to squeeze a deuce. I am doing this for Clemmy. I am doing this for the south" As buoyant fecal matter began to surface around the two, their attention was drawn to the horizon, where they saw a British flag flapping in the wind on top of some sort of sea vessel.... and then......
instantly killing Ho Stevie in his secret silo manufacturing plant. Meanwhile, in Belmar, the cams were down so nobody went surfing and everyone except Bubonics logged into SI to complain and troll each other. Bubonics got endless lefts all to himself when suddenly the ghost of PJB appeared saying
blasters and Zach jump off the deck,nearly escaping with their lives. the union was on red alert,they realesed the cache of great white babies with infared laser beams and automatic weapons on the confederates.the confederates pissed themselves and bicycled back to Georgia,where they were stopped short by a crew of die hard new Yorkers with golden liscense plates and diamond teeth. ehh,make like a tree and phuk off,said the new Yorker. Zach replied,i phukd guys twice ur size in prison the new Yorker got scared and disappeared like a slice of cheesecake on bubophonicks lap. Zach and blasters continued their journey,where they entered south Carolina.a dark 92 f150 came screeching down the interstate wielding bats and bayonets,dressed like ghosts.they stopped the 2 swellers and asked them where they were coming from. ayyy,we comin from rhodey. dat right? replied the drunk redneck behind the wheel. the boys got a brief tan while up in the union,and the klan spotted them as Mexicans. looks like we girt us some mexicaanns! no dude,were from the confederacy. the klan told them to proof it,lol,the only way they knew how. u have to drink a gallon of moonshine in 10 minutes. blasters and Zach got 3/4 of the way through when the shine began to take effect.they though ef this,lets beat up these clanners!!! Zach took a swing and hit the floor before he could connect.blasters swooped him up in time,before the rednecks tried to ram him. along down the road came a mysterious figure,an si legend.he shoved a quarterpound blunt in the klans exhaust pipe and the truck burst into flames. blaster and Zach passed out beneath the tumbleweeds,and when they awoke the figure was gone...........
"cough it up, son...i'm fresh outta Kasser's and i need to huff something, for christ's sake!" With fresh turds in the lineup and the sight of the British flag, the sweller's knew it was time. A full-on onslaught from the sissies of MSW was inevitable. Metard was busy fixing the silo..."I don't know if I'll be able to get this thing running before those Limey's get here" Zach lent a hand and within 30 they had her up and running..... ....FIRE!!!! Koki yelled, shank raised high in the air. The battle was on....the missle traveled through the air with astounding speed and tore a hole right through that sissy flag.... natkitchen looked ahead with his binoculars and saw the gaping hole in the flag, which now read "MOW"
The leader of the MSW invading force took a Baby Ruth bar to the forehead and staggered in a dazed concussed state, unable to command his rainbow army. A Surfrider Foundation Blue Water Task Force PT Patrol Boat pulled up and scooped up the dookie and taped off the entire area with yellow crime tape, declaring it a hazardous waste zone, unbefit for man or fish.
As Reza proceeded to provide protien bars to Manisses and Mr. McCall, McCall asked, "yo Reza where did you get that bubble? and why the fu(k aren't you wearing any pants?" ------ He explained that on a recent trip to the heartland of our country, a portly fellow driving a rental Acura Integra and selling medical equipment who descibed himself as everyones brah, said he had just the solution for Reza's adventure starved condition. "the man had greasy slicked back hair a gold chain and a pair of aviators on... " Reza continued, "he looked at me as though he could stare into my soul, I didnt even want to start a conflict with him, he just seemed so tough. But then, I realized he wasn't staring through me, he just had a lazy eye and couldnt focus on my face" "Behold the carver" the greaseball presented, "It will make you shred gnar, duckdive without the flutter kick and best of all inspire you to be friends with guys like me" "Carvers are for queers" Reza pointed out "for jackwagons that struggle to fit in" "ah take of your pants and give them to me bradda, I need to see your manhood" the grease demanded "Like I said man, you must be queer with that carver board bro" Reza struggled, but the greaseballs lazy eye was just too much... "I stare though braddahs like you in the line up all day, shred gnar in the evenings, and fly around the world lying to people... give me your pants and let me see." Reza removed his pants, handed them over... a sword fight ensued and before he knew it reza was out 30 dollars and was stuck in a bubble -------- "Sounds like spicoli, he will sell and eskimo ice, lie about it, then call him his bro" manisses pointed out, "is that why your dink fell off? that dude will sleep with skanks he finds in the gutter and play them off like wahines" "yeah he was pretty rashy" reza said sadly "at least I will never see him in the ocean, he didnt seem as though he could even swim" just then a pitbull was seen dragging a boy towards them creating a huge oil slick....
Ryan McCall dropped in on a wave hit and immediately hit an invisible wall... Manisses and reza watched in horror as McCall muttered something about staying in the desert through his bloody face "What the hell was that?" Manisses asked "That was my inflated ego BRAH!!! GNAR GNAR SHRED!!!! its keeping me afloat brah so my broheimian dog could drag me out here and hang out some fellow brosurfshredders" "this lineup is rightgeous" McCall saw spicoli, and drowned himself in fear of being x to the z'd....
Chapter two: the fresh new day. A man woke up at his friends house with the intention of going surfing, he had a crazy day the day previously.....where were all his friends though??? [Editors note: this is a fresh new day in the man's life.... ]
