The DRUNKEST thing you do

I once got blackout drunk and went to a house party. The house was being rented by some ultimate fighter dudes that knew a close friend of mine. I was staggering through the house looking for a bathroom, when I found a pair of their gloves. I decided to put the gloves on and walk around the party sucker punching people. One of the fighter dudes saw me and offered to box. Since I was a drunk idiot, I said sure. At the count of 3, we went at it. I threw the first punch, and he easily blocked it. Next thing I know, I am getting up off the ground. Guess he clobbered me a few times and put me down. I shook his hand and thanked him for the new experience. I later ended up chugging tequila with some other random people. I woke up the next morning with the sun in my eyes and no clue where I was. I somehow blacked out, stumbled down the street, fell down a steep hill full of poison ivy, and ended up sleeping on some random porch a few blocks away. I was lucky the people just let me sleep and didn't call the cops. Ah college...

 

I have many, but one that comes to mind may not be appropriate but i'll tell it anyway.

it all started at a surprise 21st birthday party at a friend's house. a couple of hours after the surprise we all went to the bar. the birthday girl and I were doing shots of mind erasers and got totally inebriated. when the bar closed we realized that everyone left without us. so we walked to my house and I stole my dad's car and drove back to my friend's house. how I didn't get pulled over is shocking seeing I was going 10 miles an hour swerving from one lane to the other for two miles.

when we got there, the birthday girl and I got it on in the car. after we were done we went to the door and it was locked and no one answered the doorbell. I decided to run around to the back of the house and see if the patio door was locked.

halfway around the house i realized I had to pee really bad. so I stopped, dropped my shorts and started to pee. initially I was soooo relieved but then noticed I didn't hear my pee hitting the ground. I looked down and saw that I still had the condom on and it was filled to the size of a cantaloupe. hahahahaha aww man young and dumb.

 

Hahahahaha those were great stories guys. Had me rollin lol

 

I woke up the next morning to find myself next to a woman who I have never seen before and a terrible red stain on mystach and ya know ... Some of my buddies told me that she is referred to as man bear pig, supposedly half man half bear half pig or something.. I immediately went to the teen clinic to get tested and all came back negative which was good. The sad part is that I can't remember a single thing not even meeting her.

Guys learn from my mistake.

 

Passed out on 6th St in Camden, NJ. Bad neighborhood and I was very pretty and very vulnerable.

Lost my car in Center City, Philadelphia. Was so drunk I was just falling face first onto the ground. Broke my nose, messed up my back.......Spent hours hobbling around the downtown area trying to find my car. I was bent over in pain and would manage six or seven steps then I had to sit on someone's porch steps for a moment. I "walked" around like that for hours. Completely disoriented. Good times....good times

Got arrested......got arrested again.......got arrested again.

By the way, everyone's blacked-out, totally drunk sex stories are fabrication. Alcohol is a depressant that renders the male sex organ useless when certain levels of intoxication are reached. So they either weren't as drunk as they claim or they are fibbing aboot intercourse. Your pen!s don't work when you can't stand. Plus, alcohol is not a good intercourse substance. Try cocaine, meth, or ectasy. Your welcome. Though, in good conscience I implore you to be good capitalists and remain drug free.

 

Liquid courage makes us do dumb things don't it? HAHA

 

I was only nineteen when this happened. Out for a friends going away party bar hopping. When we got to the second bar, I was asked for ID and then quizzed by the bouncer at the door. The only question I got wrong was my birth sign from the fake ID. I asked if I could have my ID back and the bouncer said if I wanted it back, I would need to go ask the two police officers for it. Since I was already drunk I figured I would try my luck with the officers.

So the officers went and talked to the bouncer and took my fake ID from him.(It was a real ID, it just was not my picture on it.) The officers called in the license to make sure it was real all the while quizzing me. After about 15 mins of this, the call came back that the license was real. Now for the interesting part, on the license, there was just a middle initial and I did not know my friend's middle name as I had only known him for a couple of weeks. (I bought his license for $25). The middle initial was an A and I was trying to think of a name that started with A. As I had three friends with the name Adam, I decided to go with that. The officers thanked me for providing the correct name and gave me back the fake ID. They also walked me over to the bar and told the bouncer that I was ok to enter the bar. Bouncer gave me a dirty look on the way in and I made sure to thank him for wasting my time.

 

Now you people read these stories.........and then think aboot how alcohol is the legal, socially acceptable drug.

World B could have been killed, Archy probably has HIV, Jimmy Vegas might have herpes, Brewengineer could have suffered a head injury rendering him useless to science from his fall or been punched silly into a Joe Frazier mental status. All because of alky - hol. That's how you say "alcohol," in the Appalachians.....alky-hol

Nobody acts this stupid on any other drug even the ones with nasty reputations. Put me in a room with a dude who did 3 bags of "Kiss of Death" not in a room with someone who drank 3 pints of vodka.

Alcohol's "high" actually sucks.

Free the weed and ban the booze.
Free the weed and ban the booze
(come on everybody)
Free the weed and ban the booze
Free the weed and ban the booze

 

Most of my worst decisions were made while drunk. Still enjoy me a beer though HAHA

 

Man I could never figure you responsible drinkers out. I could never have a beer or two.......

 

HA HA, one or two, that's cute. Drank 6 hanging with the inlaws last night, Modelo goes down extra fast when it's ice cold

 

i drank when i was a teen,but after years of watching people fuk their lives up,i try to stay away.i never drank beer,only vodka and whiskey.a buddy of mine got 18yrs for getting drunk and killed somebody pulling out their driveway.hes still locked up and wont be out til 2025.everytime i drank with my buddies,somebody went to jail.the last time i really drank,i ended up kicken in my neighbors door and stealing his pot,for no reason other than being drunk.we lived on the top floor,he was under us,and there was atleast 20 cop cars out there,shining lights into my house.if i wouldve got caught probly wouldve got some time.i have plenty of war stories being drunk,but nowadays i only smoke pot.iv seen friends end up alcoholics and turn into junkies or crackheads.alcohol makes u think your tough and end up stabbed in an ally somewhere south of the border.i grew up in a family of alcoholics and still deal with it to this day.my aunt died last year of alcohol poisoning.i dont mind people who have a few drinks,but people who want to get wasted and try to put on a show...oh yea herees another story.2 years ago my friend threw a house party.everyone was wasted.my buddy calls up his ex,and starts talkin smack to her brother,who is a monster.my buddy calls me into the room tellin me danny and his boys are on the way.my buddy had a gun.welll when the boys showed up,i left out the front.what happened next is a full on fight breaks out,my boy never got to use his gun.he had a wine bottle broke over his face and broke his cheek bone and needed surgery to fix his eye.after all that my boy gets locked up for 6months for handling a firearm while intoxicated,he had it registered so it wasnt illegal.my buddy lost his union job making 40$hr,got the shyt kicked out of him,and now lives with his mother somewhere inland.this message is brought to you by travelers club vodka.dont get drunk and make phone calls

 

I hear ya Cep. Some people can't handle their liquor. Those that can't, shouldn't. Those who can, do. Anybody who gets so drunk to put on a show doesn't need to be drinking, I call it amateur hour. Go to any local pub at happy hour and you'll see what i'm talking about. Those who are able to have 4-6 beers in the comfort of their own home or another's home without ever turning nasty aren't the problem. My days of getting black out drunk are over, as it takes way too much effort to get that way anymore, and I don't recover as quickly as I use to. Definitely prefer the herb over a drink, not too much of either, but a little of both works like a charm.

 

Make up weird sex stories (blackout unconsciously) and shout them at groups of people I don't know expecting a laugh, but only receiving shame

 

STELLA!!! STELLA!!!! (I could have been a contender.)

 

The only thing good about booze is how many times I've gotten laid because of it. But now that I think of it, that probably equals the number of times I didn't get laid because I was too drunk to f***. So all in all its a wash. Add in the fights, scrapes with the law, arguments with my wife, and bad hangovers ( oh don't forget all the epic dawn patrol sessions missed due to said hangovers only to show up dehydrated and looking at blown out conditions as a few dudes are smiling heading to their cars: "Dude you missed it, it was epic until the wind got on it"). Alky-hol is no bueno!

And if you do drink, don't do what I used to do when I got off the yay - Drink Jameson and coffee - a legal speedball so to speak. The caffeine and the booze and the sugar fuel the blood. I thought the caffeine would help me handle more booze. After 3 of those I turn into a total jerk - not picking fights, just being a general smart alek and trying to stir the pot. Asking stupid questions, asking stupid questions, making statements.

 

I enjoy Stella, but I keep going back to Modelo and Sams lately

 

Epic Drunk Story
Fall of '96, not-to-be-named College
My friend had a friend on the football team so we went to the "Football House" as they called it to party after one of their games. Many beers, a couple of games of 15-cup beer pong and a cigar later, I found myself upstairs watching a movie in a dark room. Then it hits me, I have to throw up. I stand up leave the room and realize I have no recollection of getting there and I have no idea where the bathroom is. I start opening doors trying to hold back vomit at the same time. Finally I have no choice and let one spew in a dark room. I leave, close the door behind me and continue to search for the bathroom which I finally find. While in there, I hear banging on the door: someone sounds upset. I finish throwing up and open the door and find a very irate football player demanding that I clean up his floor of his bedroom. I apologize profusely and grab some toilet paper and start picking up bits of puke on this guys floor. He gets me some paper towels and some spray but is really making me feel like a douche for doing it (which I admit I was). So vomit cleaned up, I feel a second wave coming on so I head back to the bathroom (now I know where it is yay!) and commence round 2. Here is what I think happened while I was in the bathroom. Football dude 1 tells a couple other football dudes what happened. Super-Aggro Steroid Football Dude hears this and flips the f out. They all flip out. I hear banging again. This time I'm questioning if SWAT was called and is doing a drug raid of the place the yelling and banging is so loud. Nope ain't opening the door. Window - well I'm 3 stories up with a straight drop down, so that's a no-go. After a couple minutes, I hear a calm voice asking me to open up that he wanted to talk. He promises me that he won't hurt me. So I crack open the door and a giant Samoan, lineman-type guy is standing there. He says "These guys want to kill you". I said "Great!" He says "You should run." I said "You have to give me a chance." He said "On the count of 3". He got to three and basically just bull rushed into the group of football guys that had gathered to beat/kill/maim me. I squirted out of there and LUCKILY saw stairs going down. At the speed I was going I think my feet only touched two stairs on the way down. I saw my friend on the way down and he got two words out before my afterburners kicked on. I hit the first floor where there was - no lie - a packed dance party going on. I mean wall to wall people. I made like a bull of Pamplona and charged straight through. Beers, drinks, girls, cigarettes, whatever - went flying. The only thing noisier than the dance music or the disrupted party-goers was the sound of yelling by the football team that was just about to give up a 99-yard rushing touchdown to the dude that puked on their carpet. Out the door I went.

 

I took my car out after way too many burrs. Cops caught me and 10K later, I've vowed to never get behind the wheel drunk again. It's been about 9 years - definitely the stupidest thing i've ever done..ever!