The Lighter Side

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. “Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even take a dump anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble taking a dump?”

“No, I take a dump every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and take a dump every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

 

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah"

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong"

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

 

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing. He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

 

A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen. The man said " I will give you $500 if you let me bite your breasts!" The woman replies "you are crazy, get away from me. " $1,000" cries the man. " No, now leave me alone" says the woman. " $5,000" says the man. The woman needing the money finally says okay, but come around the corner. She unbuttons her blouse to reveal the most beautiful breasts he has ever seen. He starts to snuggle, suckle and slurp on her breasts. After about 5 minutes of this the woman says" well aren't you going to bite them?" The man looks up and says "Nah, too expensive".

 

Last senior joke. Been spending time at assisted living facilitates and rehab centers.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"