The Lighter Side

A professor is about to give his final exam, "You must turn in your paper before 2 PM. I won't take it a second later."

2 PM comes and all of the students turn in their paper and the professor begins to walk to his office. One last student jumps up and approaches the professor, "I'm sorry I'm a few seconds late! You have to take my paper!"

The professor says, "Nope, I made it very clear-"

The student snaps at him, "Do you know who I am?"

He replies, "No I do not."

So the student grabs the stack of papers, puts his in the middle, and runs off.

 

Two sisters, one is blonde and one is brunette, are trying to start a farm. The brunette sister finds a prized bull in the classified and leaves to check it out. She tells the blonde that she will contact her to come haul the bull back to the farm if she decides to buy it.

The brunette goes to the farm and decides to buy it. The farmer tells her that the bull will cost exactly $599, no less. So she buys the bull and heads to town to contact her sister. The only person she can find to help her is a telegraph operator.

The operator tells her "It costs 99 cents per word, what would you like to send?"

The brunette replies "Well I only have $1 left." She thinks for a while and tells the operator she wants to send the word 'comfortable.'

The operator asks "How will she know you bought the bull and want her to bring the haul from the word comfortable?"

The blonde replies "She's a slow reader."

 

A wealthy lawyer is driving down the road in his limo when he sees two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls over to investigate.

He asks one of the men, "Why are you eating this disgusting grass?"

The man replies, "I'm too poor, it's all we have."

The lawyer replies, "You and your buddy can come home with me and I'll feed you."

The man replies, "But sir, we both have families."

The lawyer replies, "Bring them all!" So they all pile into the car.

One of the men's wives turns to the lawyer and tells him, "Thank you so much sir, we really needed this."

The lawyer responds, "No problem, the grass is almost a foot tall, you'll love it!"

 

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African black tribe whose men all had penises approximately 24 inches long. When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.



Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.



A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"



"Well, it looks like we're about halfway there," he replied.



"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches long?"



"No," he replied, "it's turned black."

 

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK.. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered
an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms
and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE:Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an
undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and
all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV,
where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

 

“The Top Ten Country & Western Songs of All Time”

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin’.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win'.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend...I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the number one Country & Western song is:

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Ass All Day.

 

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman’s car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,

“No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side”?