The Lighter Side

THOUGHTS TO PONDER
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a HOOT anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE …. ?

 

Little old Asian woman walks into a bank and exchanges fifty yen for US dollars.
She gets $7.50.

A week later she goes into the same bank with the same amount and gets only $6.27.

Furious, she demands to see the manager and and asks why there is a drop in the amount
of money she got back.

The bank manager says to her, "Ma'am, the difference is due to fluctuations".

Little old Asian lady says, "Well, fluc you white people, too" !!!

 

Montana Rancher

The Montana Department of Labor claimed a small rancher just outside of Butte, Montana was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Govt agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them

Rancher: Well, there's my first hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Govt agent: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Rancher: That would be me.

 

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me..

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"I do." replied the nurse.

Never get a colonoscopy in San Francisco!

 

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