The Lighter Side

Engineers and Managers

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."

 

THE DOCTORS ASSISTANT

A doctor wanted to take time off from work and go surfing for one day.

So he asked his assistant to take care of his patients while he was gone as he did not want to close the clinic.

"Yes sir" said the assistant.

The doctor goes surfing and returns the following day.

He asked the assistant how he did while he was gone. The assistant replied he had taken care of three patients.

The first one had a headache so I gave him some Tylenol. "Good job" replied the doctor.

The second one had a burning feeling in his stomach so I gave him some MAALOX. "You did really well" commented the doctor.

What about the third one?

The assistant replied that he was in the office when suddenly the door burst open and a lovely woman entered. She undressed herself including her bra and panties and laid down on the examination table spread-eagled. Then she says "Help me. I haven't seen a man for 5 years."

"Oh my God, said the doctor, what did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes" said the assistant beaming proudly!

 

Who said men aren't sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and the end up leaving together. The couple goes back to his place.

He shows her around his apartment, and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears:

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,......

Cuddly medium-sized ones on a middle shelf, and...

Huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that is so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side.

She turns to him, invitingly...she gazes into his eyes, and they begin to kiss...which leads to them romantically remove each other's clothes. This of course leads to hot passion and steamy love.

After a very intense night they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over lovingly and asks, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns and says; "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.

 

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

“You don’t have to let your wife bully you,” he said. “Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice.

He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled:

“From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly. “The Undertaker!”

 

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

 

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f#**%g! retard!!!!'

 

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