The Lighter Side

Old Love


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
"You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

Irish Nursing Home

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Irish home. After a few weeks in the Irish facility, they came to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.""Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile."There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

"And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F***ing Mexican'.

 

The dog and the blind man
A blind man was standing on the corner with his
dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the
man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket
and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had
been watching ran up to him and said, "You
shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if
you reward him when he does something like that!".
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him.
I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can
kick him in the ***!"

 

Death By Chocolate

In death's agony, an elderly man suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.


Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his
brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you
think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to
the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or
something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found
her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then
when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was
there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen
again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

 

The Irish Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya 'be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. . . But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?"