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Discussion in 'All Discussions' started by nopantsLance, Feb 20, 2017.
D'oh!Simpsonit SuomiTv9,996 views
One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop came in for a haircut and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN.....AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost. It's a man thing.
^^^ Gold! ^^^
Antifreeze on Bologna | Sebastian Maniscalco
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer
In a trial before a mostly female jury, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned, his face bright red and covered with perspiration! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
Then, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll have you disbarred.
Good stuff Lance!
There is an island fantasy
A “Someday I’ll” we’ll never see
When recession stops, inflation ceases
Our Mortgage is paid, our pay increases
That Someday Isle where problems end
Where every piece of mail is from a friend
Where the children are sweet, already grown
Where all the nations can go it alone
Where we all retire at forty-one
Playing Football in the island sun
Most unhappy people look to tomorrow
To erase this day’s hardship and sorrow
They put happiness on lay-away
And struggle through a blue today
But happiness cannot be sought
It can’t be earned, it can’t be bought
Life’s most important revelation
It’s the journey that means as much as the destination
Happiness is where you are right now,
Pushing a pencil or pushing a plow
It’s knocking on doors and making your calls
It’s getting back up after your falls
It’s going to school or standing in line
Tasting defeat, tasting the wine
If you live in the past you become senile
If you live in the future you’re on Someday I’ll
The fear of results is procrastination
The joy of today is a celebration
You can save, you can slave, trudging mile after mile
But you’ll never set foot on your “Someday I’ll”
When you’ve paid all your dues and put in your time
Out of nowhere comes another Mt. Everest to climb
I have decided Today to make it my Vow
To take Someday I’ll and make it NOW.”
Ah, to the nights I don't remember but still hear about......