The Lighter Side

An elderly widower walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.


Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me... do I come here often?"

 

whenever the holidays come around, bars will sometimes offer shot specials - newly created shots for the occasion. i'm a bit of an Ahole so this sometimes works if ya know the person a good bit. Tell them "you should try a tsunami shot, i'll buy a round". whisper to the bartender for water in all the shots, be sure to tell your accomplices beforehand. on the count of 3, throw the shot in the victims face - TSUNAMI! you may need to buy a round of shots afterwards tho, depending if the victim can't take a joke

 

At work I'll rip off a sticky end of a post it and cover the sensor on the underside of a mouse of unsuspecting coworkers. Some catch on some call the help desk.

 

transfer a call after dialing 1-800-MANLOVE

 

100% doing this tomorrow morning

 

Take a thumbtack and poke a dozen tiny holes in the styrofoam cups at the water cooler. Always good for a laugh

 

THE OLD DOBERMAN----



An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”

Moral of this story…


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[video=youtube;YucYoklZAyE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YucYoklZAyE[/video]

 

My Dad used to pull similar stunts with the station wagon.

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…

 

[video=youtube;WcuRPzB4RNc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcuRPzB4RNc&feature=youtu.be[/video]

 

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

I still have one good arm to do things with.” He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy.

My balls itch.”


Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

 

Perfect breasts

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?

“Are you nuts?”, she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?” he asks again.

“Listen sir, I’m not that kind of woman. Got it?”

So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and “Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? “Ok, just once, but not ! here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there”

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them,…. but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: “Are you gonna bite them or what?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much.”

 

Oldie but goodie! Lol

 

Some kookery

[video=youtube;ytWzEhqdkeI]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytWzEhqdkeI[/video]

 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all your crose.” The woman did as she was told.
“Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.”
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.”
The woman asked anxiously, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, What is Ed Zachary Disease?”
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied : “Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.”