The Lighter Side

2nd place.

 

Winner!

 

I've got to come up with tougher or funnier things

 

I ran enough fast races to figure this one out without the google.

 

Just the tip?

 

I feel violated.

 

2 farm mice fall into a bucket if milk. 1 gives up because they can't get out. The 2nd mouse finds a solution and gets out. What was the solution?

 

Well I guess that would work but then you would be stuck at the bottom of the bucket with a big fat belly of milk. We all know you're not getting any airs with a big fat belly and milk. And that's coming from a guy that was slightly penetrated by a full grown dolphin ;-)

 

Climbed on the back of the first mouse and got out.

 

Nice idea but sadly no!

 

Okay here's a true story. I was sitting in the local VFW and talking to this old veteran from Vietnam. He was chatting with a buddy of his about this and that and sharing War Stories when is Buddy said hey you know I can tell 30 minutes before it rains because the plate in my knee causes me pain. The guy next to him says well I can tell when a pretty girl enters the room without even looking.. his buddy says how do you know that? No Lie the guy stands up pulls his pants down and has a full-on boner! Don't judge me for looking. No homo

 

Merica

 

Pro level coffee.

 

I took on 1, but then 3, 5, 7 and 9 showed up and I knew the odds were against me.

 

What did the elephant ask the naked man? How do you breathe out of that thing?

 

content://media/external/file/146403

 

A young boy comes home from Catholic school and says dad? You're not gonna be happy, I have a note from school today. Dad says explain what happened.
The boy said well, I was in the lunch line and there was a bowl full of apples and the sign on it said ( take only 1 , God is watching.
At the end of the line there was a bowl of cookies so I wrote a sign that said ( take all you want , god's watching the apples)!!!

 

this f—n place...

 

A preacher man in his 40s is fishing alone off shore in his boat when all of the sudden it sinks.
After 2 days and 2 nights a container ship spots him and offers help.
He sends the boat away stating he didn't want the help because God would provide for him.
Another 2 days goes by and another container ship spots him , at this point he is almost dead. They offer help and again he sends them away stating God would provide for him.
Later that day he dies and goes to heaven where he is treated by God.
God says to the man do you have any questions?
The man asks God, why did you not provide for me in my hour of need or at least send me a sign?
God say shit! I sent you 2 boats!!!