The Lighter Side

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo ! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.The officer says,“That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?" Officer responds,“Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile ?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"
"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client ?

 

Subject: Dog bites 24 people.

YES, HE BIT 24 PEOPLE, BUT...

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: I AM SICK AND
TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.


YES, HE BIT 6 PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS...
4 PEOPLE WEARING HILLARY T-SHIRTS...
2 CAR DRIVERS WITH BERNIE SANDERS BUMPER STICKERS...
9 TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR BUTT CRACKS...
2 FLAG BURNERS...
AND AN ISIS TAXI DRIVER.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME...

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
AND NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET
THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH

 

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.



Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..



He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.



When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.



He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.



In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



Not a lot of people know this.

 

The attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He turned around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

 

The bro code is strong with this one

 

With children:Make sure that you understand the question first....

For all you Grandpas and Grandmas out there reaching that stage where you need to keep the wax out of your ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up.(Some of us anyway!)


--- What Is Couple Sex?






An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Not wanting to leave anything out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.


Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?


The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

 

What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer?













A father in law

 

Manbag

 

When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.



Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.



The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.



Sincerely,
Agnes