The Seldom Seen Christmas Special

Hey, thanks Yankee, I appreciate the support, but don't let this Boog dude get you upset. He isn't even good at throwing an insult. If that's what he was trying to do. Boog, where you trying to be insulting?

I was waiting for this to happen. I'm surprised it took so long. He even uses my favorite surf writer, Dave Parmenter, in an attempt to insult. Of course he's probably never read anything from Dave Parmenter, but saw me mention him a few days/weeks ago.

Hey Boog, don't take it all so seriously. It's a simple story playing on the characters on this website. I'm not owning anybody. It's all done in fun, Boog. Yeah dude, use the word, "own," a few more times. It makes you sound edgy.

Yes, you won't be in the story because no one knows who you are. And really that's what this is all aboot. Boog wants to be one of the guys on Swellinfo.com. Well, this isn't the best way to go aboot it.

And yes, by hassling people constantly, because of jealousy, you might just get your Swellinfo handle known. But that's the loser's way of gaining attention. But I don't think you have what it takes to even do that.

Boog,(I was in jail with a Boog) go back and read your posts here. And think really hard. Do you think your little quips were zingers? Do you think anybody is impressed by the series of questions you presented in an attempt to appear clever? If that's the best you got, may I suggest going back to the drawing board and trying again.

Do you guys notice that this always happens? Jealousy man.......it's a terrible thing. And to get jealous of a loser on a surf predictin' website forum is really pathetic. LOL SMH LOL ROFL LMAO BRB BRB YOLO SMHFH LOL ....

Matt Johnson is dead.

Jon Coen's writing is boring. Why every periodical seeks him when writing aboot New Jersey surfing, I have no idea.

Brendan Buckley is better than Zander Morton, Chris Cote, and Justin Cote.

I had an idea for the continuation of this story, but Boog derailed it. Now I'm sad because some anonymous dude, named Boogitym, just had to take a shot at me. Wow, I'm totally distraught. Plus, I've got a bad cold and it's at its worst right now. There's no thoughts in my head, only mucous. Hey did you guys know that crack cures the common cold?

 

(By the way, This is NOT an insult to anyone. Just a play on SI characters and regional stereotypes.)

What a ride it was. Seldom didn't notice the used condoms on the front passenger-side floor until they hit Interstate-95. He also didn't notice how sticky his seat was until he shifted his weight, Outside Providence. Hey Zues continually looked over at Seldom Seen, smiled, winked, and gave him a Thumbs Up. Hey Zues also frequently looked in his review mirror at "Adam" who launched into a rambling rant aboot EVERYTHING and EVERYONE as soon as they left the shred spot parking lot.

Chuckles made them stop at every rest area due to his beer drinking, and Hey Zues hassled every person attached to a car without Jersey license plates, He also gave a bear hug to every Jersey resident he encountered.

"Hey yo, kid, you from Jersey?"

At one rest area, Jeff wandered suspiciously around the bathroom areas and the surrounding woods. Then he disappeared for a full ten minutes. He returned with a odd look on his face - one that exuded shame mixed with exhilaration. Seldom then remembered the rest area scene in his fourth favorite movie - There's Something Aboot Mary - and started to wonder if Chuckles or Jeff may be some loony serial killer.

Jeff then spoke aboot his admiration for George Michael.

Jeff spent most of the ride looking out the window, smiling a queer-looking smile, while using his ventriloquist's voice to enable "Adam's" view of the state of the world. Just north of New York City, Adam went a little too far and made disparaging remarks aboot MTV's hit show, The Jersey Shore, which caused Hey Zues to suddenly brake onto the shoulder(break down lane for you New Englanders).

Hey Zues, jumped out of the car and actually addressed the space between Chuckles and Jeff, where Adam sat, and said:

"You mothertrucking muff cabbage piece of garbage !! You ever say anything bad aboot Snooki or Jwoww again and I'll murder ya, kid."

Besides internecine squabbles, the Jersey Guido looks out for their own.

Hey Zues then went to his trunk and pulled out his works. He then entered his vehicle and had Seldom Seen administer a shot of anabolic steroids into his backside. Hey Zues then twitched his shoulders around, greased and combed his hair, and then let out a big sigh of relief.

"You're beautiful, kid," Hey Zues said to himself, and then he jammed the yellow IROC Z, with pink trim and b!tchen rims back onto the highway.

Seldom started to cry as they passed over the George Washington Bridge, and Jeff started mumbling aboot the UFC and The Karate Kid. Chuckles was on his last beer, and started harping aboot making a "Packie Run." A pakage store being what New Englanders call liquor stores....Why, no one knows.......

It was quite the journey. Some of the events that took place are unfit for a family surf predictin website. Seldom Seen will carry those nightmares for life. Besides the non-stop, booming, club music, Hey Zues also had a TV installed on his dashboard that played a continuous loop of hardcore pornography. Some of the subject matter was quite disturbing.

They finally hit the Garden State Parkway, a major artery that runs parallel to New Jersey's coast, just some five to ten miles inland.

Belmar was in range. Seldom hoped it would be worth it.

To Be Continued......

 

SELDOM, one time I was kind of forced down to Virginia during my wild days. I was going nuts. So, in desperation I swigged a bottle of cough syrup. I couldn't believe it actually did something. It was like a mild, yet somewhat uncomfortable, trip. I kept telling my dad, that I couldn't believe I was binging from cough syrup....

MR. SNIFFER - please sir, do not get the wrong impression. I love you and LBI. But LBI and the surrounding area is kind of sheltered, and I find it funny when I encounter dudes with attitude there. I mean they just discovered dope a few years ago, and they OD off of AC dope, which sucks. Garbage.....2 - 10% pure.......

Mr. Coen seems nice enough and all, but I don't know.....Why him? All of the time?

Why doesn't anybody have any foresight and get Beetlejuice to write an expose aboot New Jersey surfing. Aww man, now you got me feeling bad aboot my remarks towards Mr. Coen. He's the reporter type and that's fine. But I want more than just reporting from my Jersey surfing mag articles. Plus, I don't care what Shaun Tomson thinks of New Jersey and never got the answer why all of New Jersey holds Seaside Heights dear to their hearts.

I actually used to get my letters to the editor in the AC Press because that paper drives me nuts. Every day I go nuts reading local's views of politics. Drives me nuts. And they print letters from the same 7 people....old codgy dudes. Denny and Ted from Mays Landing, look out(OJ voice - Howard Stern reference #2). When I read the AC Press's opinion page, I feel like I'm in Alabama.

You know, I had some email contact with some surf mag editors. Some of them ain't that sharp. I can fully see how the four pages of text the write per issue probably takes them three weeks to "perfect."

Steve Hawk was great. The George brothers were great. Steve Barillotti be great. Shoot most of the people who worked for Surfer were great. Surfing, too, back in the day. Society has declined. Plus, these groms today don't even care aboot magazines. PRINT ALWAYS TRUMPS THE INTERNET...You can throw a book at your wife, but you wouldn't throw your computer.....

And Boog, I don't mean to be nasty......But this is a funny haha on a surfing website. These submissions of mine take ten minutes to write. I'm not trying to be Gordon Korman or William Shakespeare. And again, I'm not insulting anyone with this story. Lighten-up people. It's a surfing website.

 

Next installment, later in afternoon, as I'm going to Mays Landing. Just in case anyone's interested. I'll be introducing everyone's favorite van driver.

 

Mr. Sniffer, I just wanted to make it clear that I mean no disrespect. Being sheltered is a good thing, just some of the boyz need to drop the attitudes. They need to take them attitudes to Metros with all the dudes who act bad that actually live in Longport or Northfield.

And of course I'm jealous of Jon Coen. I wish I could get published in national magazines, and was part of a small close knit surf community. I had a crew in LBI, but that was many moons ago. My friend used to date one of the Lex Mex owners, and Justin Citta axed me for gas money once. But now I'm a lone wolf who gets angry when he sees people in the water. Yeah, it's terrible.

Boog, you now have my respect. Anyone who knows the Beetlejuice song is ok in my book. Right now there are five people in North Carolina saying, "What am them yankees talkin' aboot?' The Canada-ghetto part of North Carolina, that is.. Beetlejuice is the most fascinating person in the world.

Lipsmacker: You tell me something odd or interesting aboot yourself and I'll throw you in the mix.......

 

It came to him one night two weeks before Christmas.......

Blaster of ye Sand was in his neighbor's trailer - the one belonging to Shaquandashika X - smoking crack and fornicating. Blaster, being from the south, didn't really like African Americans, but found the shape of Shaquandashika's backside enticing. Plus, she always had cooked-cocaine at the ready, as African Americans tend to do.

Post-coitus, the two snuggled, drank a batch of Blaster's clear, smooth drinkin' whiskey, and watched a Jay and Silent Bob movie. That's when the idea came to him.

In the movie, the two protagonists(Jay and Bob) needed to get from New Jersey to Los Angeles in order to get that movie check. Not having any mode of transportation, the pair learned that truckers would give them rides in exchange for certain sexual favors.

Blaster thought, "Shucks, I could do that, t'aint no worse than when I was at that religious compound or in the pokey. Besides, it don't bother me when I do it with my sister, aunt, nieces or mother, so......."

Also, the fact that Leonardo was dang close to Belmar was a sign.

Blaster's ship had come in. He'd be in Belmar in no time.

 

There it was. A sign proclaiming Belmar.

Two miles ahead, the gang would exit on Rt 18 which would take them to Belmar. The whole crew let out a Whoop There It Is, and Seldom noticed that Hey Zues had an erection. Was it the porn or Belmar?

Ahhh, Rt 18 South, Seldom couldn't believe he was so close to Belmar. It was like he was just aboot to meet Gary Busey or Charlie Sheen. You see them on TV and stuff, but to actually be there and meet them in person was just far-out.

Seldom wished his brothers, Yankee and Leethestud, could be there with him, but that wasn't something possible. Both were banished from the tri-state area by a local Waterbury mafia chieftain for ripping of his marijuana supply. It was all Leethestud's fault, but Yankee was a righteous, loyal brother, and he supported his brother - just like the Wahlburg brothers from Dorchester.

Leethestud was the type of guy, like NJsurfer42, who doesn't reciprocate holiday greetings. Yeah, that kind of guy.

After a few minutes on Rt 18, a sign loomed in the distance for Rt 138 East - the last road to take them into BELMAR...........

Hey Zues's yellow IROC Z, with pink trim and b!tchen rims, had seen a lot in its days. The carpeting was soaked in alcohol, cologne, and acne creams. The suspension, shocks and such were beyond damaged by Hey Zues's constant banging of grenades in the backseat. Big, hairy, Italian women, weighed down by several helpings of pasta and rich breads, constantly leaked bodily fluids over the interior of the entire car; the car's frame and engine were suicidal due to the constant tasteless club music that blasted from the car's sound system at deafening decibels.

They were two miles from Belmar when it happened. The car finally said, " F this sh!t and this freaken dago guy." The car died, and came to a rest on the side of Rt. 138 just west of Belmar. Seldom could see the promised land on the horizon, and it looked exactly what he knew it promised.

They almost made it, as they'd never be able to make the two mile walk with their boards and equipment.

To Be Continued...........