The Seldom Seen Christmas Special

So they were stuck. Stuck on the side of the road in God forsaken New Jersey. Though Seldom was Italian, Jersey's brand of Italians scared him. His mother once warned him of them. Then there was the African Americans, Dominicans, and Puerto Ricans to worry aboot. And, if things weren't bad enough, being on the side of a well-traveled road in the midst of Irish Alcoholica, was extremely unsettling.

Seldom Seen was spiritual, but not real religious, though he did think Padre Pio was kind of cool. Seldom left his car mates, walked off into the marshland and got on his knees and started to pray. Hey Zues looked like he was going to explode, as he paced back-and-forth cussing and swinging at the air. Chuckles looked like he was aboot to pass out, and Jeff remained in the car, with Adam, reminiscing his experience at the rest area.

Seldom Seen prayed tough, and something guided him to his feet and made him look towards California. All of a sudden he was transfixed on a van rumbling toward him. As the van got closer, Seldom could see that it was a complete total Chester the Molester van...... the obvious possession of what Californian State Prison inmates would call a ChoMo.

The van was a faded black in color, and all of the side windows were blacked-out with black paint.

A large smiley face was painted on one side of the van, with the words, " Jesus Loves You," underneath, and on the other side, the words, "JESUS'S SURFING VAN" appeared in white paint. Seldom instinctively took a quick glance at the license plates, just in case the police needed to be called, and saw that the van hailed from Florida.

The van quickly pulled-over, and came to rest just behind Hey Zues's yellow IROC Z with pink trim and b!tchen rims.

Shortlythereafter, a really strange character exited the van. The dude had a beard, which Seldom couldn't decipher whether it was real or fake, and he was wearing a Santa jacket and hat. Then the dude's lower parts became unobstructed from view, once he cleared the door, and it was revealed that the dude was wearing ass-less leather chaps.

From the back of the van Seldom thought he heard the voices of several young boys.

Then unexpectedly the passenger door swung open and a dude, dressed like some sort of figure skater appeared and rushed over to greet the gang.

"Hey there fellows, they call me Lipsmacker, because I'm so lip smacking good." He then did a little twirl and ended in a bowing curtsey.

The dude in the ass-less leather chaps approached Seldom Seen and extended his hand and said, " Hi there son, they call me 'The Follower'.......looks like you fellows could use the help of the Lord. How's your relationship with Jesus?"

Hey Zues, never at a loss for words, stood there with his mouth open.......drool slowly dripping down his chin. Hey Zues had finally been silenced.......

To Be Continued........

 

Blaster woke, brushed his teeth with whiskey, and put on his Sunday overalls and best flannel shirt. Today was the day - the day he started his trip to Belmar, NJ. He arranged for the smartest man in Sunyvale to give him a lift to Florence, SC, so he could start his north-bound hitchhiking on I-95.

The smartest man in Sunyvale was a man called, "Shine Engineer," which was a nod to the gentleman's uncanny production of the area's finest illegal liquor. Shine Engineer claimed to once be a progressive scientist at The University of South Carolina, a school where the students, faculty and staff referred to each other as, "Gamecocks," and he was the only person in the trailer park with a full set of teeth and a completely legal driving status. He even had insurance.

Blaster opened his trailer door, stepped outside amongst the possums, cooperheads and field mice, and was surprised to see a little going away gathering had assembled. Though most of the crowd were just coming down from the previous night's meth high or had just drank their last beer, and just joined the crowd out of curiosity.

Betty, a fiery 70-year-old with a penchant for chaw and cheap wine, gave Blaster a hug and told him to be careful in his travels abroad. Betty didn't trust foreigners. Not one bit. Everywhere outside of West Myrtle Beach was foreign to Betty.

After a few small farewells Blaster got into Shine Engineer's shiny BMW, a car that seemed so out-of-place in Sunyvale that the residents often questioned if it was real. Some of Sunyvale's residents thought the BMW was an alien spacecraft, and that Shine Engineer was, in fact, an extra-terrestrial being.

"How could somebody know how to read that good, and not be ET" was a common assessment and observation from the locals.

Blaster was scared, yet excited as he and Shine Engineer traversed the back woods and swamps on their way to Florence. Soon Shine Engineer pulled-over under an I-95 overpass, and came to a stop,

"Well, Blaster, we's a here."

"Yep, I reckon we is," said Blaster.

Blaster gulped as he remembered the Jay and Silent Bob movie, and how he had to pay for his transportation.

Blaster reached over and grabbed the top button of Shine Engineer's Sunday-best pair of Lee jeans(the ones with Brett Farve in the commercials) and began to unbuckle it..

" WHOAAA NOW HEY THERE !! WHAT YOU A FIXING ON A DOIN' !!!" Shine screamed.

Blaster replied, "Now you be still, Shine, I'm a honorable fella, and I'm fixin to pay form my rides the right way. Besides I gotta get a used to a doin' this or I t'aint gonna make it nowheres."

Shine tried to get away, but Blaster was a big boy, and if he was going to fellate somebody....he was going to fellate them.

To Be Continued.......