things I have had enough of

Wow, dude... "my foreskin?" Really?

Love your foreskin... really.

 

floppy pancake tits... lol.

 

Aye, Steve too has “issues” that worry at him like a Spaniard with thumbscrews.

- Obama – Aye, Steve has run into the foul head hunter Chief from Luzon. He did cost Steve a valued crewman, his tribesmen dragging poor Tom from the longboat as we raced towards my ship, “Misery” as if the hounds of hell were in close pursuit. I drew forth from my sash a flint-lock pistol and shot poor Tom dead out of kindness. The cannibals would have boiled him alive and begun carving victuals from his flesh fore he was dead. My daughter will mourn her husband.
- this winter – Aye, Steve too has run into hard luck this winter. Forced to put into The Great North Bay, we were frozen in ice for 3 weeks. I feared the Misery would be torn asunder, her hull creaked and shuddered in the ice’s death grips. We ate 3 of the crew who perished from the frost. I myself lost an ear.
- crazy federal taxes – Aye Steve too, has run afoul of the Spanish officials in that hell that the Indians calls Tejas.
- breaking bad and walking dead should be on all year – Aye, Steve too fears the Walking Dead, we had put into Port-Au-Prince to offload a “cargo” from West Afrique. The 3rd mate, was kidnapped by a local bruga. When we found him, his eyes were glazed white and he smelled of death. We killed the bruga who cursed us with his dyning breath and brought the 3rd mate back to the misery. He sat in a dark corner of hold, eating rats. A week later he attacked one of the crew, biting him dead through the neck. I was forced to sever his head with my cutlass. Messy business. His blood was black and stank of death. We tossed the bodies overboard and prayed that Davey Jones locker would contain their foulness.
- people who don't work – Aye Steve too has problems with crewman more fond of grog than labor. Keel haulin’s too good for ‘em.The “Misery” be an unhappy berth, but she is a damn tight ship. Before Steve was a pirate, Steve was an officer in His Majesty’s Navy and doth know the meaning of discipline.
- teens with babies – Aye Steve too wonders about the state of morality in this world with women remaining unmarried well into their teen years. Deplorable.
- marijuana being illegal – Steve does not trust the Assassins of Kush. Far too often has Steve seen the results of their handiwork in the red ink that courses through a man’s veins. Trust no the man addicted to bhang
- being addicted to mw3 and cod2 – Aye, Steve too suffered from the pains of the red dragon’s blood. Years Steve had disappear in a smoke filled den in Hong Kong.
- not farting enough – Aye, Steve too starved cross the Northern Route, following the Spanish Galleons from Manilla to the Island of Kalifa. Many perished and Steve lost all his teeth due to the wasting ill. By sight of land, I chewed upon the last leather of my belt.
- farting too much- Aye, Steve too has run afoul of the old cook’s Special dinner. Steve had the grip for a week and the cook flogged.
- ugly girls who think they are pretty or smart – Aye Steve, cares not for Parisian harlots. Steve prefers Tortuga.
- getting old – Aye, Steve as well fears the hoar frost of age, but let no man say Steve be not fit to lead the”Misery”. Aye, I be peg-legged and hook handed, but no man save cabin boy Pete can beat me to the crow’s nest. And Pete be half monkey, though nary as smart.
- pains that come but don't wanna leave anymore – Aye Steve too has the phantom pains, I get a terrible itch on the bottom of my foot. As if it were just having flame set to it, fore the fire seers flesh. A cannonball took that leg below the knee, when Steve was but a midshipman. T’was against a Dutch privateer off Batavia. We did paint the decks red that day my son.
- my foreskin – Aye Steve too has gotten the French Pox. An apothecary in Port Royale applied a burning poultice of smoldering sulphur to the oozing sores, they’re now blackened and no longer ooze pus and stinketh.
- speed limits – Aye Steve too hates the doldrums of the Antipodes. The “Misery”’s hull is so encrusted with ship worms and barnacles that she can become becalmed in a gale, damn her.
- welfare – Aye Steve too does not understand this new charity of the idle rich. Widows and orphans should be sent to the work houses, t’was good enough for Steve until he shipped out as a cabin boy.
- obamacare – You truly have had more dealing with the aforementioned cannibal than Steve. Lucky are thee to have escaped unscathed.
- floppy pancake tits – Aye Steve too does not care for them; but after chasing that cabin boy Pete through the riggings for a year, even the savage women of Tavaru look like the Queen of France. Without the smallpox scars of course.
- people who magage never to work – Steve knows not this word “magage” that you use, it is French perhaps? Steve hates the French.
- panera – Aye, Steve too has no love for the Spaniards. Too many times has the “Misery” barely escaped their patrols.
- starbucks – Aye Steve too has drunk many a flagon of foul grog in that dank, pirate’s slop house. T’was there that Steve first got the drip and the French pox. Aye and Steve’s first wife.
- our two party political system – Aye, Steve to does not hold with this “House of Commons”. Rabble they are. Steve know that only the noble blood be fit to rule over men.
- bad movies that try to appeal to largest mass man audience – Steve cannot fathom you here matey.
- people who dont read – Aye, Steve cares not for the ignorant, but the lower class should stay where God on high did intend for their lot to be. If they could read, they would not be satisfied with their foul lot. T’is a harsh world, but just.
- too many electronic gadgets – Aye, Steve trusts not the new-fangled Mechaniks and their gadgetry. Fleet St. be wormed through with all manner of clock works and ingine smith’s. T’is against the will of God and there will be a reckoning, Mark Steve’s words. T’is a sign of the end of days.
- people who call you to hang out but then are on their phones the whole effing time – Aye Steve was hanged once, t’was by a Spanish official over a misunderstanding involving certain liberties that the crew took with a female passenger whom was on a ship we waylaid out of Acapulco. He did not take kindly to the way she was treated, nor that we left her as payment for a tab at Starbuck’s in Tortuga. A relative of his she was. Luckily, they did not give Steve the quick drop, but instead wished to strangle the life out of me. T’was a quick cut, but I was saved from my doom at the last minute by. . . well, t’is a long tale.
- iphone 5 having a different plug from 4 – Aye Steve too hates the Irish. Heathen Papists.
- not being able to copy music off net anymore – Aye Steve too misses the gentle sounds that soothe the savage beast. We did have to hack the ship’s harpsichord into kindling when t’were stuck in the ice flow.
- wiggers – Aye, Steve too was nearly killed by the terrible tribesmen in the swamps of that land that the Spanish now call Florida.
- impolite surfers – Steve too ran afoul of the savages of the Cook Islands at first. We began trading rum and muskets to them and in kind they have become quite agreeable.
- cold ocean – Steve fears not the cold watery depths, landlubber. T’is when the sea ices over and the world be covered in death white sleep that his heart pounds.
- fox news – Aye Steve too, hates the fox. When we were stuck in the ice flow, a fox made its way into our store, it made off with all the salted meat. Damn its hide
- coming to america and refusing to americanize even a little bit – Aye Steve too hates the people of Genoa.
- gas prices – Steve too is appalled by the high cost of whale oil. A schilling a barrel, they be of the sea, thar be millions of the giant fish. Steve wonders, “What gives?” Me thinks there be a grand conspiracy afoote. Steve blames the Dutch. Aye, Steve hates the rotten OrangeMen.
- 4 cylinder engines – Steve too hates the mechanical. Thou arte prone to repeating yourself.
- addicted to dip – Aye Steve, red dragon’s blood, blah, blah. You whine a great deal
- hemmoroids – You and the cabin boy have the same complaint. Do you be a catamite as well? Thou would be popular amongst the rest of the crew.

Steve thinks thou art weak like the drink a wetnurse will give a babe to ease it’s colic. However, Steve is desperate for an able bodied crew and will offer you a half man’s share of all prize taken for the first 3 years afore the mast. If you prove of stalwart timber and be not dead, Steve shall raise it to a full share. What say you, d’ost thou wish to become a real man and crew on the “Misery” or will you remain a whining landlubber, mewling like a colicky babe? Steve warns you, the crew has little patience for those with naught but complaints. They have been kowne to toss a Jonas to the whale, if ye can fathom Steve's depth. We set forth from Cape May for Nassau on the outgoing tide, if the winds favor us.

 

^ Gotta be Gaffer, any other guesses?

 

I'll go over your list more closely when I have time i.e. never but real quick you should quit dipping, its like seriously really bad for you

 

Yep, gaffer your good and I really enjoy your writing but if this isn't you it has to be SJB...that is some funny stuff

 

Let go and let God bro.

 

Ha ha, you have hemmoroids. Sorry

 

you forgot the baby on board stickers, people who chew with their mouth open, cops, and leethestud

 

Agree with open mouth chewers! No prob with cops. And whats the prob with lee?

 

The pirate is definitely SJB AKA North Seawall Will. Good to see him back. I've had enough of people getting banned for being off topic but interesting. Now if you are just being a turd and telling someone to douse themselves with kerosine and light a match to stave off the cold, then ban away, admin.

 

I've had enough to everyone whining about their first world problems. Man the f*ck up.

 

Hollister anything

 

Is it bad that i actually read this whole thing in my head with a pirate voice?

 

Just bustin lees balls. Even if I did have a problem with him, what makes you think it would involve you

 

me n him we bruddas

 

+1...and krl don't worry I did the same, couldn't do it any other way.