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  1. #101
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    1,744

  2. #102
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    1,744
    A husband and wife were having dinner at an expensive restaurant, when a stunning young woman comes over to their table. Without blinking an eye, the woman gives the husband a kiss on the lips and says, “See you later.”

    The wife stares at her blushing husband and at the woman walking away. Then she asks, "What was that? Who was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband with a glitter in his eyes, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's it," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

    “Alright then," replies her husband. "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Swiss Alps, no more summers in New York City, no more Bentley and Rolls Royce in the garage and no more private jet for quick getaways. But the decision is yours."

    They stay quiet for a while. Later, a neighbor of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl in his arm.
    "Who's that woman with Sanusi?" asks the wife.
    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    The woman pauses for a moment and then says, "Ours is prettier.”

  3. #103
    ^^ Reminds me of the walrus joke, very popular in the day, the punch line had a lonely fisherman observing a village fornicating with walruses, but when he wooed one to a cave and was doing the deed the villagers all pointed and laughed. "Yours is ugly".
    The whole world needs a lighter side right now.

  4. Bob left work one Friday evening.

    But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

    When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    He replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

  5. Homeless

    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

  6. I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, last night, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.


    WOOT! I was flabbergasted.


    'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit slower and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

    She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

    'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

    She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

    So I told her to $%^& off...

  7. #107
    Quote Originally Posted by nopantsLance View Post
    I'm bumping The Chicken Game because it's my favorite.

    Thanks for your contributions, Luminosity. You're a true Swellie.

  8. Wednesday's bike ride

    I went to the liquor store Wednesday afternoon on my bicycle,
    Bought a bottle of Whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket.

    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle,
    The bottle would break.
    So I drank all the Whiskey before I cycled home.

    It turned out to be a very good decision,
    because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


  9. WHy did god invent the yeast infection?

    So women know what it is like to deal with an irritating cant

  10. An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

    The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"...

    Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

    Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."

    God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"